13 and 5

The journey has begun this week, so I have been AWOL trying to stay on track with the timing of juices etc.  So far so good have done the 13 juices and 5 enemas each day since Tuesday, three fulls days of it yet feels like a month!  Yesterday I atempted this dreaded Castor oil treatment day........and NOTHING!!  It did not effect me, so either I am immune or I'm just blessed with some crazy cast iron belly.  Was dreading the whole process as I have never experienced the outcome that it is supposed to have, but nothing!!  Drank it in the morning and put into enema #2 as directed.

So my days look something like this
6.30am get up and soak porridge, peel oranges, put on laundry and prepare enema
7am go for enema #1
8am porridge and orange juice,wash up,  hang out washing put more on
9am green juice
9.30am apple and carrot juice, hang out more washing
10am apple and carrot juice, enema #2
11am carrot juice, tidy up a bit
12pm green juice
1pm green juice, lunch
2pm apple and carrot juice, enema #3
3pm carrot juice
4pm carrot juice
5pm green juice, start cooking everyone's dinner
6pm apple and carrot juice, enema #4
7pm green juice, dinner
8.30pm enema #5

So far going to work for 3 hours a day 4 times a week is going ok, squishing the juices in/getting some brought to me.
Not yet having any "detox" symtoms, and am hoping that I don't get very bad ones seeing I had been on the modified version for nearly a year before starting this (7 and 2, so half of the present program).  Have just been tired and a bit head achey.  Feeling very bloated and feel I have put on a lot of weight.

When I went to pick up my veggies this week I saw one of the boys who I used to work with and he wants me to go to something at the church in a few weeks, some Christian healer is going.  I am still a wee bit undecided on this, though I guess it wouldn't hurt me.

I have my appointment with the naturopath next week, so I will be asking her about the non event that was Castor oil day!

Anyhow, that's all that's happening.  Juicing, enema'ing, cleaning, cooking, working and reading.  Read one of my favourite books at the start of the week "Desert Flower" by Waris Dirie, I haven't read it in about 8years and was good to remind myself of how easy my life is.  Now reading "The monk who sold his ferrari".

Hopefully something interesting happens soon, as I'm boring myself even!

If you do everything backwards you will eventually catch yourself up at the begining

All Aboard....

The juice train is warming up!  Friday I eased on in with 9 juices, then on Saturday I had 12!  Go me!  Though I didn't adjust the 'special time' enema's and I really should of!!  But the random sister showed up with a lovely Himalayan salt lamp (took the decision out of that mission) and then told me my house was filthy!  The amusing part of that statement is that I have SEEN her dwellings at interesting times.  (Also had 6 bottles of the crystal effect deodorant she had bought on special on the net and had sent over from the USA, so YAY no smelly me)

Yesterday we went and bought a brand new fridge for my veggies!  It is now FULL of lettuce's, kale bags, silverbeet, cabbages, capsicum and the 20kg of carrots.  So hopefully this lovely fridge with help me successfully get through the first week, and the second and third (3 weeks to form a habit?) then the next 2yrs will be a breeze! 
Still waiting on the supplements from the US and to see the therapist to get dosage done, so I am holding of on the Castor oil days and peroxide baths until that is sorted as well.

Nothing else really interesting in the world of juice and brains, just stressed.  Trying to not be.  Trying to enhance the calm and see how maybe continued confrontation can be avoided.  Answer is Margaret is right!  Answer is Margaret usually won't say something she doesn't believe to be true! Answer is Margaret wins!  Just not at monopoly when using a meerkat figurine wearing a top hat.

Oh,and I said goodbye to pineapple today.  Bloody thing wasn't even that nice.

I've had brain surgery, what's your excuse?

OK so my appointment on the 6th of April at 3.30 was actually on the 5th of April!! Momentary brain fart.  SO dodged that bullet, didn't need to go and get angry at Asian oncologist biarch who makes me feel like a fruitcake, "don't you think if drinking juice did anything it would be a standard treamtent" smart arse!!  Then you wouldn't have a job if people actually took care of their health and your employers (phamaceutical companies) would go broke!  SO I have no idea what the neaurosurgeons have decided, I guess if that wanted to crack the old skull open again they would hunt me down! As there are students that need to learn.  Apparently they will send a new appointment out, not sure that suits me! 

Big month this month!!  Need to start the new journey, easter, plus I will officially own a 4 year old boy!  Apparently we need a green bike, and not too fussed on a party......he says now!  So I better googled 'how to be a mother and give them a good birthday' ideas.

I was standing in a coffee shop the other day and the owner was talking to a customer, no I was not listening, and the customer was asking something about old loves health and she replied "oh they still don't know" and the customer was like "goodness this has been going on for a long time" "try years! I wish they would just tell me if I'm dying or not"......what the??  How sad to be living with that thought in the back of your mind, and once again I blame bloody Dr's who play God and think they can tell people if they are "dying"!  Well obviously you champion, we are ALL dying!!  How about they concentrate on finding out what the problem is and seeing whether they can help, rather than scaring the shit out of people.  And when they find what it is how about trying to FIX it rather than masking with their beloved drugs.

Speaking of dying.  My goat is a little up again this week!  Smokers!  I truly do not understand smokers.  If I knew what it was that had made my tumour grow I would never go near it again, never let anyone I know go near it.  Why do people do something they know could potentially kill them?  And not in a pleasant go to sleep one night and wake up dead kind of way!  More like in a I struggle to breath and I'm coughing up my lung ling kind of way.  More like in a I now have cancer and my stupid justification for smoking seem so stupid now.  More in a I have primary lung cancer that has now travelled to my other organs, bones and brain kind of way.  You will wish you were dead, but not before you regret ever having picked up a cigarrette saying "well we all have to die of something" or my personal favourite "I know someone who smoked and lived till their 90's".......you will regret thinking that when you are told you have the C bomb, trust me!  Here I am fighting to live, and people I love are basically killing themself in front of me.  I wish I could transfer how it felt to sit and be told you have the C bomb, beacuse maybe they would understand that they will regret it and they will not think it was worth it.
The other part that gets the goat really up and gone is the cost!  If you can't afford to do nice things with your kids why can you afford to smoke?  If you can't afford food why can you afford to smoke?  If you can't afford petrol why can you afford to smoke?  If you can't afford to live I guess that's why you smoke?
Oh well each to their own, but I will never hear an excuse that will justify doing something so stupid and I hope the people I know either grow up and stop or by some miracle dodge that visit to cancer ward.

Sorry if that offends anyone, but when you're fighting to live people doing their best to kill themselves makes you a bit angry.

Live the life you love and love the life you live - Bob Marley

Decisions

So I wrote and entry and it decided to disappear into nothing as if it didn't exist.  I hate that!! I have an inability to rewrite.

So this week I am dragged back into the oncologists office, not by choice!  I hate going there, but I need to go as this is the only way I can find out what the neurosurgeons have decided about my last scan.  I hate the health system!  You can't access your own medical history unless a Dr requests it or you go through the painful "legal" process, maybe it's just me they hate.  So to find out whether they want to crack my skull open again I need to see the people who want to sign me up for the trial Chemo drugs.  I hate them.  They stress me out, upset me and make me doubt my choices.  When really I should doubt anything, as what they have offered is nothing.  So I am stressed and worried, as I don't want to go through it again.  Plus I hazard a guess that it would be worse the second time around, added risks, plus I would know the hell I was going to go through when I woke up.  Shitting myself I think the term is.  Even though apparently I should not be!  Days like today make me wonder......wonder if I can do this.  Sometimes it seems like I'm destined to fall on my face, sometimes it feels like I'm a rickety old ship alone in the storm and I wonder why I am trying to do this.  I hate that feeling because I don't want to feel sorry for myself I hate it.  But surely people would care enough to even use Dr Google to see what it is that I'm about to commit to, what's going to happen/what could happen.  Selfish moments I have.

This is my last week of my strange "normal" before the Gersons journey begins.  The last week I can sleep later than 6am, the last week of not making, drinking and washing up 13 juices a day.  The big journey can start anytime from next weekend, just waiting on some supplements for the USA and their dosages to be worked out and then there are no excuses!!  Still haven't organised a fridge, though that is easy.  Hopefully I am sorting of the mental side of it all, though some days I need to remember I only NEED me to be committed for this journey to work, I need to stop expecting others to hold my hand.
So in a week or so my life of rising at 6am to start enemas and juicing, with the timetable ending at 10pm, will commence.  I am shitty myself I think you could say, every emotion just rolled up into one!  I'm anxious, excited, nervous, scared, overwhelmed.  Plus today I am angry, I am angry that certain people just make things harder for no reason.

So my shitty skin (I know everyone cares, not) slowly clearly up apparently.  Getting witch hazel and stuff rubbed over it each night so hopefully it keeps on clearing.

Steroid situation; YAY finished them yesterday, so hopefully I start sleeping MORE (for now) and eating LESS.  But seeing as my strange diet is about to be limited more I may spend the week eating berries and pineapple and lentils (about to be CUT on gersons)

So this weeks mission is to find which Himalayan salt lamp I am going to buy, been wanting one for ages but I am a tight arse even though are aren't expensive!!  These lamps are not only pretty they are excellent air purifiers!  Getting rid of dust, mould, dust mites, and neutralising positive ions in the air produced by TV's, radios, computers, microwaves etc.  High concentrations of negative ions (produced by the salt lamps) are required for high energy levels and positive moods, so I'm going to FILL the house and I will be an annoying hyperactive positive vegan ray of sunshine! Right?

Don't be nasty to someone who prepares your food

ANOTHER 365 days on!!

Sorry for ANOTHER anniversary post, how boring I KNOW

So yesterday marked another "year since" passed by me yesterday. One year since THE operation. One year since I thought the worst was OVER!! One year since I got Wheeled into surgery, remembering my tongue bar at the last minute!! Telling the anesthetist not to put a catheter in "just to but a bucket under me".  Telling the Drs not to cut all my hair off!
Then waking up! Was BAD I couldn't talk, I wanted to spew, my head felt like cement, I was hot and sweating, I couldn't move my legs!! Brain surgery you're a bitch from hell!!! I prefer to re live my 9'6" son busting his way out of my vagina any day!!!
Tried telling a nurse you're going to spew when you can't talk?! Tried to act all fine when the surgeons come to check on you!? I must of looked like a tard, I swear I was probably drooling!
Shoot me up with something so
I don't spew!!! Yep that worked......oh no a bit more please!!
Pain killers??? Yes please it hurts! I want to cry.....

Off to ICU, excellent.......uncomfortable, take my vitals every 30-1hr, pain killers, can't talk properly!!!! Noise, lights, this is not working for me!!!! finally some visitors allowed in to see I am alive!! Don't know if I could talk? John? Sara? I think I tried.
My head hurts, my legs are uncomfortable and hot!! Stupid pressure stockings and plastic breathing balloons over them!!
Bloody catheter!!!
Aaarrrggghhh there's a tube coming from my head going into a bag hanging next to me! Great a brain fluid handbag!!!!!
Lovely nurse takes pity on me and give me a quick sponge bath, so hot.
I live through the VERY long night!!! Apparently during which panadol was deemed a strong enough pain killer?!
Nurse change over, she is awesome!!! Because? She takes out the catheter even though bloody Drs think leave it!!! Plus she let's me get up and walk and have a shower!!!!!! Bliss!! I look a fright!! Crazy head ware! Juggle  Trendy sack of blood handbag and drip.....but I'm clean! And hungry!!!!!!


Ok so I thought it was over.........

So the next chapter is about to start! Two weeks and I should be a fully fledged full time gerson devotee!!  I've been reading and re-reading over my new timetable etc.......by jingos! I'm excited but anxious!!! Still more supplements to organise but this will all happen. Another fridge to source, but that's easy.  Trying to think how I can make money from home to support my expensive organic requirements, not so easy! So far my top two ideas are being a drug dealer or running a brothel.......apparently not really legal??? I am determined that I will be able to work 12hours to cover boys pre school, just need to find some other magic money.......today I thought I could make nice quilt covers?? Blinds?? Yep I think being a drug dealer is easier.

So I spent my anniversary taking boy to swimming, cleaning, cooking, then going to work. I love that my life is normal!! And I wouldn't want it to be anything but!

Started reading a book today and it stated something so simple "we project our self criticism onto others", which is very true and something I really need to try and be mindful of!
Also "stop blaming anyone or anything for your situation", this I think is so powerful. People don't MAKE me angry, I get angry as a reaction, something or someone didn't make me sick, I got sick because my body could not cope with how it was being treated.

Anyhow, my mind is a mess and rambling!! You'd think surgery was 12 hours ago not 12 months!!  Need to find some balance....

To my fellow captain ;-) "in time this will all pass, and we will toast you all with fresh kale and wheatgrass juice, because we want to"

Flying

Back to reality we head.  Scared. Unsure. Nervous. Skeptical. Excited. Worried. Anxious. Happy. Stressed.
So much to organise and to organise, in not only my head but my house! 
Prepare for less money, less time, less interaction, less freedom.  More commitment, determination, optimism, gratitude, support, juices, enemas. 
How is my body going to react physically, how is my mind going to react......how is everyone else going to survive/understand the emotions? What if they think I'm a lunatic having a tantrum? will I have the support there?  Should I concentrate on enhancing the calm, bottling it all in.  Shut your mouth Margaret, swallow the problem and move on.

I'm only guessing how different life will be, so give me some time to adjust and I'll tell you how much easier/harder it has gotten.
More stress already added to the pot before the hard part has even begun! Swallow it down and move on Margaret.......

Keeping on track of the worst part of my day being fickle......my skin has gone absolutely crazy from treatment!!! And it's two weeks until my friends engagement party! I have a strapless dress to wear!!! With a cardigan now it would seem, as pointed out by my mother!! So life is pretty good, I'm annoyed with crappy skin! But me having crappy skin won't ruin her night or mean there's any less love in that room. Me having crappy skin won't make me have a bad night.  
So I'm happy that my biggest issue today is something as petty as crappy skin, because even with my crappy skin my plane will land, my son will be happy to see his father, my over weight bag will be unpacked, my bed will be warm, my house safe, my too many possessions will be there waiting, my little life on my island will remain fairly simple. Safe. Not ripped apart by war or famine.  Not shaken to the earth by earthquakes, not swallowed up by the ocean.  So to crappy skin I say thank you for giving me the worst part of my day because the rest of it is pretty good from where I sit.

So I fly towards the next of my journey and I can't predict what it's going to bring but I hope i learn some grace, gratitude, compassion and composure! And I cross my fingers I'm not too hard to deal with, but I guess only time will tell. 

Danger in feeling "fine"?

Somedays it's crap to be a "cancer patient" because I don't feel sick. I don't look sick. I guess a lot if the time I don't believe I'm sick. Which is good!! It means that, usually, I don't feel too sorry for myself.  But it makes me think, is this dangerous? Like I'm letting my guard down to an invisible army waiting to burn down my village and steal all my corn.

I feel the same I've always felt, apart from some headaches but that's life when you get it cracked open and fiddled with, I wonder.....do I really have cancer? If I was letting them poison me with radiation and chemotherapy then I'd KNOW I was sick! I feel like I was! And I'd probably look like I was.  But I don't want that! I don't want to gamble my memory, glands and cognitive functions with radiation that will probably result in cancer later in life and probably won't stop the "the perfect cancer".  I don't want to gamble my immune system and general health on being a guinea pig in a chemotherapy trial! They've said, it will come back no matter what, worse. These guys aren't very good salesman!!
"the perfect cancer" because it's up there, romping around like it owns the place with no rules.  But here is the GOOD thing, brain cancer doesn't travel to your other organs like other cancers, yay.  But maybe that's because there is already enough vital operations happening upstairs (though I wonder with me at times)......apparently it grows and starts to damage things. Squishes them. Damages nerves. Fits. Strokes. Hhhhhmmmmm answer........work on not letting it grow!!!

Alkalinity.........if your body is alkaline cancer can not exist.  So this is the basic mission I'm on!!! In a nut shell!

So I don't feel "sick" and I hope I never do!!! My path may make me very anti social but I'll feel good while being locked in my house drinking juice and doing enemas! Learning to just be.  And thinking myself healthy.  So each day we feel fine is not a wasted day!  Some people don't have the luxury of feeling fine and moaning about traffic and their jobs.
So I hope my biggest worry each day is whether my bum looks big in my shorts because that's a good day!!

Be present in the moment and that moment is a present