Do you want to go shopping?
Do you want to go for coffee?
Do you want to come out for tea?
Would you like a drink?
All fairly mundane everyday questions. For most people. Not for me.
Yes I can shopping, if I'm home in an hour or two.
I don't think you want to come have "coffee" with me.
Sorry I can't come out for tea, they probably don't serve organic vegan, wheat free, sugar free, salt free, fat free, unprocessed ANYTHING!
And yes I'd bloody LOVE a drink!!!! But that too is just a dream for me.
My life is not normal.
My life is not normal, but it is my life and I'm happy for it to be not normal for as long as I get to live it. For as long as not normal keeps me feeling well.
Because I could drink coffee, eat meat and swill my booze, but chances are I'd die a lot faster.
So unfortunately you're all stuck with me!
And everyday that the passengers. that are my friends and family, sit on my not normal bus I silently thank them every night. For being on my ride. For accepting that this not normal is now my normal. And for not treating me like a sick person. Because I'm not. I'm still the same sometimes bitchy, somewhat misunderstood Margaret that I've always been.
Sometimes I wonder why some people from our pasts don't make it into our present. And why some people come into our lives when we've had to change our whole existence. I don't know why. But it's nice to feel like every person has a place in your journey. That they've helped you in some way. Whether it's because they inspired you to be like them, love them for being amazing or because there's something you don't like in them that makes you want to change yourself, every person we meet in this life contributes another line to the map of your life.
And my life is not normal, to some, but I love living it (most days) and if people don't want to help push when the ride breaks then they shouldn't be on in the first place. And if people don't want you for the shit bits than they don't deserve to be there for the love and laughter.
So to people who avoided our shit bits, We are fine without you.
Without you in my life I thought I'd never smile again, until I woke up smiling
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
checking out early
Yesterday was the funeral of a boy, (man now I guess) that I went to school with, who had sadly taken his own life, the news of this over a week ago started to bring back a lot of memories of when a very close friend had done the same thing over 9 years ago now. Why do people do this? Particularly our young men.
It made me remember the confusion about it all. Whenever you lose someone close to you there are the questions, why them? Why now? And there is the blame if there were other parties involved.
I think suicide makes the process worse. Because even with the anger at accidents/diseases etc we all know that it happens, unfortunately life is not permanent and we are not invincible, but when someone takes their own life you think "what didn't I see, what didn't I hear". Often then we look to blame someone for "making" them do it, the girl that broke their heart; the person that made them feel worthless, but the truth is they chose to do it. Something felt so bad within them that they saw no way out, they saw no light at the end of their tunnel. When the truth is that all sadness will eventually pass, or decrease, that all anger will dissipate and that happiness is possible again.
I don't understand why our young men get so full of hate/sadness/rage that they feel no other way out and see no solution. And sadly it's not until they are gone that the truth about how much love for them is seen. Someone once told me that prevented a male for taking his own life is a lot harderthan a girl, as girls think it through whereas boys think and do, there is only a brief window that is their to shake them awake.
I know that I have so many unanswered questions about my experience, and I don't think I will ever accept that he saw that as his only option. I have seen a family live through that pain, I have seen his friends and I have lived it. And sadly I too look for someone to blame, I hated the girl (don't even know her) who I was told made him feel like that. I hate that I do have that feeling about her, but I do. And I guess I also hate him for doing it, I don't hate him but I definitely hate that he did it because I saw the aftermath. So I feel for this boy that I went to school withs family, and I feel for his friends but the blame they have on the living will never change the end result.
We shouldn't, no matter how fitting we think it may be, allow ourselves to hate the living for the actions of those that decided to leave us.
In light of the last 14months of my life I have added emotions to people doing this, because I can't understand why they chose to end their healthy life when others fight to keep their not so healthy lives. I hate that they choose to let their families and friends live through a terrible loss that could of been avoided. I hate that they have no respect for the value of life, I know this is unfair of me and I know that at that moment these things didn't matter to them. But the rest of us are left missing someone, the rest of us are left fighting to live.
We will always wonder what we could of done, what we could of said, we will always curse them for not realising the love that was around them. I think we need to try and live each day making sure we do what we can, hear what they are saying to us and tell them the love that surrounds them so that they always realise that the light is there to be turned back on, they just need to let people walk through the dark tunnel with them to help find the switch.
I hope I never lose another friend like this, one was enough. This new years will be 10years since I started questioning "what could I have done? What didn't I do?"
No matter the darkness of today, tomorrow, next week, the light is not gone. It's just waiting for you to let it back in.
It made me remember the confusion about it all. Whenever you lose someone close to you there are the questions, why them? Why now? And there is the blame if there were other parties involved.
I think suicide makes the process worse. Because even with the anger at accidents/diseases etc we all know that it happens, unfortunately life is not permanent and we are not invincible, but when someone takes their own life you think "what didn't I see, what didn't I hear". Often then we look to blame someone for "making" them do it, the girl that broke their heart; the person that made them feel worthless, but the truth is they chose to do it. Something felt so bad within them that they saw no way out, they saw no light at the end of their tunnel. When the truth is that all sadness will eventually pass, or decrease, that all anger will dissipate and that happiness is possible again.
I don't understand why our young men get so full of hate/sadness/rage that they feel no other way out and see no solution. And sadly it's not until they are gone that the truth about how much love for them is seen. Someone once told me that prevented a male for taking his own life is a lot harderthan a girl, as girls think it through whereas boys think and do, there is only a brief window that is their to shake them awake.
I know that I have so many unanswered questions about my experience, and I don't think I will ever accept that he saw that as his only option. I have seen a family live through that pain, I have seen his friends and I have lived it. And sadly I too look for someone to blame, I hated the girl (don't even know her) who I was told made him feel like that. I hate that I do have that feeling about her, but I do. And I guess I also hate him for doing it, I don't hate him but I definitely hate that he did it because I saw the aftermath. So I feel for this boy that I went to school withs family, and I feel for his friends but the blame they have on the living will never change the end result.
We shouldn't, no matter how fitting we think it may be, allow ourselves to hate the living for the actions of those that decided to leave us.
In light of the last 14months of my life I have added emotions to people doing this, because I can't understand why they chose to end their healthy life when others fight to keep their not so healthy lives. I hate that they choose to let their families and friends live through a terrible loss that could of been avoided. I hate that they have no respect for the value of life, I know this is unfair of me and I know that at that moment these things didn't matter to them. But the rest of us are left missing someone, the rest of us are left fighting to live.
We will always wonder what we could of done, what we could of said, we will always curse them for not realising the love that was around them. I think we need to try and live each day making sure we do what we can, hear what they are saying to us and tell them the love that surrounds them so that they always realise that the light is there to be turned back on, they just need to let people walk through the dark tunnel with them to help find the switch.
I hope I never lose another friend like this, one was enough. This new years will be 10years since I started questioning "what could I have done? What didn't I do?"
No matter the darkness of today, tomorrow, next week, the light is not gone. It's just waiting for you to let it back in.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
C is for........
I think it's possibly been 5 weeks (maybe 6 ??) since starting the full therapy.......so far so good I guess.
It is a wee bit hard as far as time management goes, but I think it helps that I was already on a modified version for a year. In the same respect that makes it worse as the other inhabitants of the house presume it's fine for me to just keep doing everything and that I should ASK for help, like it's my sole responsibility to make sure they are all fed and clothed. That's another story though.
Finally getting a foo mill this week so I can make the hippocrates soup properly! What a highlight hey!?
C........for cancer.
C........for castor oil.
C........apparently NOT for CRAP!!
I was VERY nervous about the castor oil days as I had heard such horror stories......crapping/spewing.....so I worked myself up and I did it!!!!
And....................NOTHING!! It did nothing! Bloody freak that I am. So I waited to speak to Naturopath again before attempting it again in case I was doing it wrong or something. NO it seems I'm just bizarre, well possibly more because I had been vegan for a year already and doing enemas twice a day. The castor oil therapy is supposed to result in a big release of toxins from the liver etc (this is why it's not really suggested to people who've already had chemo as it would release a huge amount of toxins). So basically YAY for me not having to feel the wrath of Castor oil!! YAY me for going 26yrs without experiencing diarrhea! GROSS I know but I was scared!!
Other than that I guess I've been coping OK I guess, obviously feeling a bit overwhelmed at times. I was ready to just pack it all in the other day. It was all just getting too hard, the fighting at home, the lack of money, craving something to eat, the reality of the climb I have, it was all just building up inside of me and I was ready to just "whatever be, be". Just impatient with people and with myself. Over feeling like people are just hopeless really, over feeling like no one understands and feeling like I'm seeking attention by stomping my feet (metaphorically) and screaming at them to wake up and help me.
I hate asking for help from anyone and I hate even more admitting I need help just to be treated like I'm making excuses or something. I was ready to give up and that's not like me. I'm stubborn and I don't like to lose but my spirit was getting a bit chipped.
But today is a new day and if I keep feeling like that than I have to no one to blame but myself. I am the only person who can provide myself with happiness, no one else. I am the only person I can depend on as I'm the only one who is there with me at the end of the day, no matter how angry I am with me or disappointed I can't escape myself. And I am the only person who can put as much effort into helping myself as I do others, even when they don't think I am.....stupidly (maybe) I keep putting that effort in to everyone else. I sound like I think I'm awesome........but I don't, 98% of the time I hate or dislike me and the other 2% of the time I'm sleeping, haha (I think).
It's not been a full month of feeling sorry for me! It's had good things, my son turned 4!! Seems yesterday he was born, he continues to provide me with smiles everyday, even when he informs me I can't hug him as he is a little man.
And most recently I tested my pH (which I haven't done for months) and it seems that I am now.............. alkaline!!!! So high five me!! High five this hard path if it helps to get me to a smoother one. So each time I'm looking at my green juice I just think "get that number up to 8.5" and skull!!! pH of 7.4 cancer cells are supposed to become dormant and at 8.5 DIE!! So this is my nirvana! A body that is alkaline that will not tolerate cancer cells growing in it!
Maybe tomorrow I'll jibber about alkaline foods?? Maybe, who knows with me. But it seems I need to start trying to focus on that happy path again :-)
So until I remember my login in again remember that 'The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable' so hopefully I'm getting closer to my freedom.
It is a wee bit hard as far as time management goes, but I think it helps that I was already on a modified version for a year. In the same respect that makes it worse as the other inhabitants of the house presume it's fine for me to just keep doing everything and that I should ASK for help, like it's my sole responsibility to make sure they are all fed and clothed. That's another story though.
Finally getting a foo mill this week so I can make the hippocrates soup properly! What a highlight hey!?
C........for cancer.
C........for castor oil.
C........apparently NOT for CRAP!!
I was VERY nervous about the castor oil days as I had heard such horror stories......crapping/spewing.....so I worked myself up and I did it!!!!
And....................NOTHING!! It did nothing! Bloody freak that I am. So I waited to speak to Naturopath again before attempting it again in case I was doing it wrong or something. NO it seems I'm just bizarre, well possibly more because I had been vegan for a year already and doing enemas twice a day. The castor oil therapy is supposed to result in a big release of toxins from the liver etc (this is why it's not really suggested to people who've already had chemo as it would release a huge amount of toxins). So basically YAY for me not having to feel the wrath of Castor oil!! YAY me for going 26yrs without experiencing diarrhea! GROSS I know but I was scared!!
Other than that I guess I've been coping OK I guess, obviously feeling a bit overwhelmed at times. I was ready to just pack it all in the other day. It was all just getting too hard, the fighting at home, the lack of money, craving something to eat, the reality of the climb I have, it was all just building up inside of me and I was ready to just "whatever be, be". Just impatient with people and with myself. Over feeling like people are just hopeless really, over feeling like no one understands and feeling like I'm seeking attention by stomping my feet (metaphorically) and screaming at them to wake up and help me.
I hate asking for help from anyone and I hate even more admitting I need help just to be treated like I'm making excuses or something. I was ready to give up and that's not like me. I'm stubborn and I don't like to lose but my spirit was getting a bit chipped.
But today is a new day and if I keep feeling like that than I have to no one to blame but myself. I am the only person who can provide myself with happiness, no one else. I am the only person I can depend on as I'm the only one who is there with me at the end of the day, no matter how angry I am with me or disappointed I can't escape myself. And I am the only person who can put as much effort into helping myself as I do others, even when they don't think I am.....stupidly (maybe) I keep putting that effort in to everyone else. I sound like I think I'm awesome........but I don't, 98% of the time I hate or dislike me and the other 2% of the time I'm sleeping, haha (I think).
It's not been a full month of feeling sorry for me! It's had good things, my son turned 4!! Seems yesterday he was born, he continues to provide me with smiles everyday, even when he informs me I can't hug him as he is a little man.
And most recently I tested my pH (which I haven't done for months) and it seems that I am now.............. alkaline!!!! So high five me!! High five this hard path if it helps to get me to a smoother one. So each time I'm looking at my green juice I just think "get that number up to 8.5" and skull!!! pH of 7.4 cancer cells are supposed to become dormant and at 8.5 DIE!! So this is my nirvana! A body that is alkaline that will not tolerate cancer cells growing in it!
Maybe tomorrow I'll jibber about alkaline foods?? Maybe, who knows with me. But it seems I need to start trying to focus on that happy path again :-)
So until I remember my login in again remember that 'The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable' so hopefully I'm getting closer to my freedom.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
13 and 5
The journey has begun this week, so I have been AWOL trying to stay on track with the timing of juices etc. So far so good have done the 13 juices and 5 enemas each day since Tuesday, three fulls days of it yet feels like a month! Yesterday I atempted this dreaded Castor oil treatment day........and NOTHING!! It did not effect me, so either I am immune or I'm just blessed with some crazy cast iron belly. Was dreading the whole process as I have never experienced the outcome that it is supposed to have, but nothing!! Drank it in the morning and put into enema #2 as directed.
So my days look something like this
6.30am get up and soak porridge, peel oranges, put on laundry and prepare enema
7am go for enema #1
8am porridge and orange juice,wash up, hang out washing put more on
9am green juice
9.30am apple and carrot juice, hang out more washing
10am apple and carrot juice, enema #2
11am carrot juice, tidy up a bit
12pm green juice
1pm green juice, lunch
2pm apple and carrot juice, enema #3
3pm carrot juice
4pm carrot juice
5pm green juice, start cooking everyone's dinner
6pm apple and carrot juice, enema #4
7pm green juice, dinner
8.30pm enema #5
So far going to work for 3 hours a day 4 times a week is going ok, squishing the juices in/getting some brought to me.
Not yet having any "detox" symtoms, and am hoping that I don't get very bad ones seeing I had been on the modified version for nearly a year before starting this (7 and 2, so half of the present program). Have just been tired and a bit head achey. Feeling very bloated and feel I have put on a lot of weight.
When I went to pick up my veggies this week I saw one of the boys who I used to work with and he wants me to go to something at the church in a few weeks, some Christian healer is going. I am still a wee bit undecided on this, though I guess it wouldn't hurt me.
I have my appointment with the naturopath next week, so I will be asking her about the non event that was Castor oil day!
Anyhow, that's all that's happening. Juicing, enema'ing, cleaning, cooking, working and reading. Read one of my favourite books at the start of the week "Desert Flower" by Waris Dirie, I haven't read it in about 8years and was good to remind myself of how easy my life is. Now reading "The monk who sold his ferrari".
Hopefully something interesting happens soon, as I'm boring myself even!
If you do everything backwards you will eventually catch yourself up at the begining
So my days look something like this
6.30am get up and soak porridge, peel oranges, put on laundry and prepare enema
7am go for enema #1
8am porridge and orange juice,wash up, hang out washing put more on
9am green juice
9.30am apple and carrot juice, hang out more washing
10am apple and carrot juice, enema #2
11am carrot juice, tidy up a bit
12pm green juice
1pm green juice, lunch
2pm apple and carrot juice, enema #3
3pm carrot juice
4pm carrot juice
5pm green juice, start cooking everyone's dinner
6pm apple and carrot juice, enema #4
7pm green juice, dinner
8.30pm enema #5
So far going to work for 3 hours a day 4 times a week is going ok, squishing the juices in/getting some brought to me.
Not yet having any "detox" symtoms, and am hoping that I don't get very bad ones seeing I had been on the modified version for nearly a year before starting this (7 and 2, so half of the present program). Have just been tired and a bit head achey. Feeling very bloated and feel I have put on a lot of weight.
When I went to pick up my veggies this week I saw one of the boys who I used to work with and he wants me to go to something at the church in a few weeks, some Christian healer is going. I am still a wee bit undecided on this, though I guess it wouldn't hurt me.
I have my appointment with the naturopath next week, so I will be asking her about the non event that was Castor oil day!
Anyhow, that's all that's happening. Juicing, enema'ing, cleaning, cooking, working and reading. Read one of my favourite books at the start of the week "Desert Flower" by Waris Dirie, I haven't read it in about 8years and was good to remind myself of how easy my life is. Now reading "The monk who sold his ferrari".
Hopefully something interesting happens soon, as I'm boring myself even!
If you do everything backwards you will eventually catch yourself up at the begining
Monday, April 11, 2011
All Aboard....
The juice train is warming up! Friday I eased on in with 9 juices, then on Saturday I had 12! Go me! Though I didn't adjust the 'special time' enema's and I really should of!! But the random sister showed up with a lovely Himalayan salt lamp (took the decision out of that mission) and then told me my house was filthy! The amusing part of that statement is that I have SEEN her dwellings at interesting times. (Also had 6 bottles of the crystal effect deodorant she had bought on special on the net and had sent over from the USA, so YAY no smelly me)
Yesterday we went and bought a brand new fridge for my veggies! It is now FULL of lettuce's, kale bags, silverbeet, cabbages, capsicum and the 20kg of carrots. So hopefully this lovely fridge with help me successfully get through the first week, and the second and third (3 weeks to form a habit?) then the next 2yrs will be a breeze!
Still waiting on the supplements from the US and to see the therapist to get dosage done, so I am holding of on the Castor oil days and peroxide baths until that is sorted as well.
Nothing else really interesting in the world of juice and brains, just stressed. Trying to not be. Trying to enhance the calm and see how maybe continued confrontation can be avoided. Answer is Margaret is right! Answer is Margaret usually won't say something she doesn't believe to be true! Answer is Margaret wins! Just not at monopoly when using a meerkat figurine wearing a top hat.
Oh,and I said goodbye to pineapple today. Bloody thing wasn't even that nice.
Yesterday we went and bought a brand new fridge for my veggies! It is now FULL of lettuce's, kale bags, silverbeet, cabbages, capsicum and the 20kg of carrots. So hopefully this lovely fridge with help me successfully get through the first week, and the second and third (3 weeks to form a habit?) then the next 2yrs will be a breeze!
Still waiting on the supplements from the US and to see the therapist to get dosage done, so I am holding of on the Castor oil days and peroxide baths until that is sorted as well.
Nothing else really interesting in the world of juice and brains, just stressed. Trying to not be. Trying to enhance the calm and see how maybe continued confrontation can be avoided. Answer is Margaret is right! Answer is Margaret usually won't say something she doesn't believe to be true! Answer is Margaret wins! Just not at monopoly when using a meerkat figurine wearing a top hat.
Oh,and I said goodbye to pineapple today. Bloody thing wasn't even that nice.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I've had brain surgery, what's your excuse?
OK so my appointment on the 6th of April at 3.30 was actually on the 5th of April!! Momentary brain fart. SO dodged that bullet, didn't need to go and get angry at Asian oncologist biarch who makes me feel like a fruitcake, "don't you think if drinking juice did anything it would be a standard treamtent" smart arse!! Then you wouldn't have a job if people actually took care of their health and your employers (phamaceutical companies) would go broke! SO I have no idea what the neaurosurgeons have decided, I guess if that wanted to crack the old skull open again they would hunt me down! As there are students that need to learn. Apparently they will send a new appointment out, not sure that suits me!
Big month this month!! Need to start the new journey, easter, plus I will officially own a 4 year old boy! Apparently we need a green bike, and not too fussed on a party......he says now! So I better googled 'how to be a mother and give them a good birthday' ideas.
I was standing in a coffee shop the other day and the owner was talking to a customer, no I was not listening, and the customer was asking something about old loves health and she replied "oh they still don't know" and the customer was like "goodness this has been going on for a long time" "try years! I wish they would just tell me if I'm dying or not"......what the?? How sad to be living with that thought in the back of your mind, and once again I blame bloody Dr's who play God and think they can tell people if they are "dying"! Well obviously you champion, we are ALL dying!! How about they concentrate on finding out what the problem is and seeing whether they can help, rather than scaring the shit out of people. And when they find what it is how about trying to FIX it rather than masking with their beloved drugs.
Speaking of dying. My goat is a little up again this week! Smokers! I truly do not understand smokers. If I knew what it was that had made my tumour grow I would never go near it again, never let anyone I know go near it. Why do people do something they know could potentially kill them? And not in a pleasant go to sleep one night and wake up dead kind of way! More like in a I struggle to breath and I'm coughing up my lung ling kind of way. More like in a I now have cancer and my stupid justification for smoking seem so stupid now. More in a I have primary lung cancer that has now travelled to my other organs, bones and brain kind of way. You will wish you were dead, but not before you regret ever having picked up a cigarrette saying "well we all have to die of something" or my personal favourite "I know someone who smoked and lived till their 90's".......you will regret thinking that when you are told you have the C bomb, trust me! Here I am fighting to live, and people I love are basically killing themself in front of me. I wish I could transfer how it felt to sit and be told you have the C bomb, beacuse maybe they would understand that they will regret it and they will not think it was worth it.
The other part that gets the goat really up and gone is the cost! If you can't afford to do nice things with your kids why can you afford to smoke? If you can't afford food why can you afford to smoke? If you can't afford petrol why can you afford to smoke? If you can't afford to live I guess that's why you smoke?
Oh well each to their own, but I will never hear an excuse that will justify doing something so stupid and I hope the people I know either grow up and stop or by some miracle dodge that visit to cancer ward.
Sorry if that offends anyone, but when you're fighting to live people doing their best to kill themselves makes you a bit angry.
Live the life you love and love the life you live - Bob Marley
Big month this month!! Need to start the new journey, easter, plus I will officially own a 4 year old boy! Apparently we need a green bike, and not too fussed on a party......he says now! So I better googled 'how to be a mother and give them a good birthday' ideas.
I was standing in a coffee shop the other day and the owner was talking to a customer, no I was not listening, and the customer was asking something about old loves health and she replied "oh they still don't know" and the customer was like "goodness this has been going on for a long time" "try years! I wish they would just tell me if I'm dying or not"......what the?? How sad to be living with that thought in the back of your mind, and once again I blame bloody Dr's who play God and think they can tell people if they are "dying"! Well obviously you champion, we are ALL dying!! How about they concentrate on finding out what the problem is and seeing whether they can help, rather than scaring the shit out of people. And when they find what it is how about trying to FIX it rather than masking with their beloved drugs.
Speaking of dying. My goat is a little up again this week! Smokers! I truly do not understand smokers. If I knew what it was that had made my tumour grow I would never go near it again, never let anyone I know go near it. Why do people do something they know could potentially kill them? And not in a pleasant go to sleep one night and wake up dead kind of way! More like in a I struggle to breath and I'm coughing up my lung ling kind of way. More like in a I now have cancer and my stupid justification for smoking seem so stupid now. More in a I have primary lung cancer that has now travelled to my other organs, bones and brain kind of way. You will wish you were dead, but not before you regret ever having picked up a cigarrette saying "well we all have to die of something" or my personal favourite "I know someone who smoked and lived till their 90's".......you will regret thinking that when you are told you have the C bomb, trust me! Here I am fighting to live, and people I love are basically killing themself in front of me. I wish I could transfer how it felt to sit and be told you have the C bomb, beacuse maybe they would understand that they will regret it and they will not think it was worth it.
The other part that gets the goat really up and gone is the cost! If you can't afford to do nice things with your kids why can you afford to smoke? If you can't afford food why can you afford to smoke? If you can't afford petrol why can you afford to smoke? If you can't afford to live I guess that's why you smoke?
Oh well each to their own, but I will never hear an excuse that will justify doing something so stupid and I hope the people I know either grow up and stop or by some miracle dodge that visit to cancer ward.
Sorry if that offends anyone, but when you're fighting to live people doing their best to kill themselves makes you a bit angry.
Live the life you love and love the life you live - Bob Marley
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Decisions
So I wrote and entry and it decided to disappear into nothing as if it didn't exist. I hate that!! I have an inability to rewrite.
So this week I am dragged back into the oncologists office, not by choice! I hate going there, but I need to go as this is the only way I can find out what the neurosurgeons have decided about my last scan. I hate the health system! You can't access your own medical history unless a Dr requests it or you go through the painful "legal" process, maybe it's just me they hate. So to find out whether they want to crack my skull open again I need to see the people who want to sign me up for the trial Chemo drugs. I hate them. They stress me out, upset me and make me doubt my choices. When really I should doubt anything, as what they have offered is nothing. So I am stressed and worried, as I don't want to go through it again. Plus I hazard a guess that it would be worse the second time around, added risks, plus I would know the hell I was going to go through when I woke up. Shitting myself I think the term is. Even though apparently I should not be! Days like today make me wonder......wonder if I can do this. Sometimes it seems like I'm destined to fall on my face, sometimes it feels like I'm a rickety old ship alone in the storm and I wonder why I am trying to do this. I hate that feeling because I don't want to feel sorry for myself I hate it. But surely people would care enough to even use Dr Google to see what it is that I'm about to commit to, what's going to happen/what could happen. Selfish moments I have.
This is my last week of my strange "normal" before the Gersons journey begins. The last week I can sleep later than 6am, the last week of not making, drinking and washing up 13 juices a day. The big journey can start anytime from next weekend, just waiting on some supplements for the USA and their dosages to be worked out and then there are no excuses!! Still haven't organised a fridge, though that is easy. Hopefully I am sorting of the mental side of it all, though some days I need to remember I only NEED me to be committed for this journey to work, I need to stop expecting others to hold my hand.
So in a week or so my life of rising at 6am to start enemas and juicing, with the timetable ending at 10pm, will commence. I am shitty myself I think you could say, every emotion just rolled up into one! I'm anxious, excited, nervous, scared, overwhelmed. Plus today I am angry, I am angry that certain people just make things harder for no reason.
So my shitty skin (I know everyone cares, not) slowly clearly up apparently. Getting witch hazel and stuff rubbed over it each night so hopefully it keeps on clearing.
Steroid situation; YAY finished them yesterday, so hopefully I start sleeping MORE (for now) and eating LESS. But seeing as my strange diet is about to be limited more I may spend the week eating berries and pineapple and lentils (about to be CUT on gersons)
So this weeks mission is to find which Himalayan salt lamp I am going to buy, been wanting one for ages but I am a tight arse even though are aren't expensive!! These lamps are not only pretty they are excellent air purifiers! Getting rid of dust, mould, dust mites, and neutralising positive ions in the air produced by TV's, radios, computers, microwaves etc. High concentrations of negative ions (produced by the salt lamps) are required for high energy levels and positive moods, so I'm going to FILL the house and I will be an annoying hyperactive positive vegan ray of sunshine! Right?
Don't be nasty to someone who prepares your food
So this week I am dragged back into the oncologists office, not by choice! I hate going there, but I need to go as this is the only way I can find out what the neurosurgeons have decided about my last scan. I hate the health system! You can't access your own medical history unless a Dr requests it or you go through the painful "legal" process, maybe it's just me they hate. So to find out whether they want to crack my skull open again I need to see the people who want to sign me up for the trial Chemo drugs. I hate them. They stress me out, upset me and make me doubt my choices. When really I should doubt anything, as what they have offered is nothing. So I am stressed and worried, as I don't want to go through it again. Plus I hazard a guess that it would be worse the second time around, added risks, plus I would know the hell I was going to go through when I woke up. Shitting myself I think the term is. Even though apparently I should not be! Days like today make me wonder......wonder if I can do this. Sometimes it seems like I'm destined to fall on my face, sometimes it feels like I'm a rickety old ship alone in the storm and I wonder why I am trying to do this. I hate that feeling because I don't want to feel sorry for myself I hate it. But surely people would care enough to even use Dr Google to see what it is that I'm about to commit to, what's going to happen/what could happen. Selfish moments I have.
This is my last week of my strange "normal" before the Gersons journey begins. The last week I can sleep later than 6am, the last week of not making, drinking and washing up 13 juices a day. The big journey can start anytime from next weekend, just waiting on some supplements for the USA and their dosages to be worked out and then there are no excuses!! Still haven't organised a fridge, though that is easy. Hopefully I am sorting of the mental side of it all, though some days I need to remember I only NEED me to be committed for this journey to work, I need to stop expecting others to hold my hand.
So in a week or so my life of rising at 6am to start enemas and juicing, with the timetable ending at 10pm, will commence. I am shitty myself I think you could say, every emotion just rolled up into one! I'm anxious, excited, nervous, scared, overwhelmed. Plus today I am angry, I am angry that certain people just make things harder for no reason.
So my shitty skin (I know everyone cares, not) slowly clearly up apparently. Getting witch hazel and stuff rubbed over it each night so hopefully it keeps on clearing.
Steroid situation; YAY finished them yesterday, so hopefully I start sleeping MORE (for now) and eating LESS. But seeing as my strange diet is about to be limited more I may spend the week eating berries and pineapple and lentils (about to be CUT on gersons)
So this weeks mission is to find which Himalayan salt lamp I am going to buy, been wanting one for ages but I am a tight arse even though are aren't expensive!! These lamps are not only pretty they are excellent air purifiers! Getting rid of dust, mould, dust mites, and neutralising positive ions in the air produced by TV's, radios, computers, microwaves etc. High concentrations of negative ions (produced by the salt lamps) are required for high energy levels and positive moods, so I'm going to FILL the house and I will be an annoying hyperactive positive vegan ray of sunshine! Right?
Don't be nasty to someone who prepares your food
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