Whoops it happened again......

Well I haven't written in over 2 months.....
I could have.

I could have written about the partial seizure I had at the end of August, where I couldn't speak for an hour. 
I could have written about the CT they did in the emergency room and sent me home and said there was a mark and if they didn't call by 8.30pm not to worry. 
I could have written that they called at 9.30pm saying there's was a new tumor.
I could have written that the neurosurgeons organised an MRI for me 3 weeks after the seizure.
I could have written that no one contacted me about the MRI until my Dr rang them, the next day they saw me.  October 18th, nearly 2 months after the partial seizure.
"My waiting list is 3 months, but I think you need to have an operation within 10days", FML.  So with my script for steroids and seizure medications I went home.

I don't know whether it was a reaction to taking this all in but that night was not normal.  I couldn't sleep, I was spewing, I couldn't use my right hand.  This was not normal.
Off to the hospital. 
Then next 3 days are all but gone.  I remember getting to the hospital and sitting in the waiting room, sitting in a wheelchair and laying on a bed wanting to just sleep.  My eyes were sore.  This was Wednesday.
I'm not sure were Thursday went...... I remembered my family and friends there.  Hearing about my son's prep interview and making my friend takes my earring out.
I remembered having a shower, and being wheeled to the operation.  The anaesthetists was shithouse that day at getting the heart monitor needle in!! Stabby stab!!  My whole wrist was bruised!  Then there were freaking out at how low my heart rate was, I'm a ninja hello!!!

This time, I don't remember waking up in recovery, only in ICU.  And I still couldn't talk (did I mention that? Well I couldn't) which was frustrating!
I lived through the night in ICU, evens though they were still freaking out about my heart rate, apparently it was 26 beats a minute a some stages. Ninja!!
They let me have a walk the next morning, but wouldn't take the bloody catheter out!!! The lovely nurse did last time, this time that made me keep it in for 2 nights!! This makes an unhappy Marg!  Also making me unhappy was the fact that I couldn't remember eating since Tuesday (it's Saturday) and the vegan food they serve in hospital is not good!!  I was starving and I got handed a tofu, yucky pesto, lettuce and tomato sandwich.  GROSS!!  Picked off the tofu and pesto, taste still remained.  YUCK!

I was home by Tuesday.  I still can't talk the best, but it's better!  It's all working in my mind, it's the forming the words to come out that needs effort.  But I will keep practising.

Now people probably think I'm stupid etc, that's I'm risking my life not taking some magic pills etc.  But there's is not magic pills! 

I'm back on my juicing, I have not missed a juice time or meal since getting out.
I was sabotaging myself.
1. I was spending a minimum of 6 hours a the gym a week, not allowed.
2. I was not eating Hippocrates soup twice daily, lets face it I hardly was eating it.
3. I was not eating the right things, at the right times.
4. I ate food that I wasn't supposed to when we were stuck out etc.
5. I drank occasional decaf coffee.
6. Never meditated
7. wasn't doing yoga
8. I wasn't releasing the past and practising forgiveness.
9. I was not doing all I could.

So maybe I am crazy.  But I still have hope.  Definitely not giving in.  Definitely still fighting.  It won't kill me.  We are all dying.  I might get hit a bus. 
The power of the mind is a magical thing.  And I won't let mine be told that it's got no hope.  Because I still do.  I'm too stubborn (and silly maybe) to let myself be told otherwise.

So.....I'm still here.  Don't plan on checking out soon either.


I approve of myself

Telling times.....

I had my appointment with the neurosurgeons last week and they decided it's scan time again......so I'm booked in, 4th October....plenty of time to prepare.

Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago if I get scared when I need go for my scans, and that answer is 'yes'.  I'm not scared OF the scan, I'm scared of the outcome.  Yes I feel good.  Yes I don't think I will die.  Yes everyone tells me I'll be fine.  But I also know the reality of it, and I'm not sure whether it's best to keep positive and if it's easier to expect the worst......

This scan I will have to believe, I've been to Radiowaves for three lots of treatment and have been drinking juice and spending hours a day having enemas, so I know that I am trying my best.  Just hoping my best is good enough.  And It's because I am feeling so good and trying so hard that swallowing results that are anything less then super will be hard.  But in the chance that happens I guess I'll just do what I've done for over 17months now, have a mini breakdown and take a deep breath and drink some more juice.  Because I just need to keep reminding myself that no option was going to be easy.  I could go with the oncologists who told be point plank they couldn't cure me, or I could go on another path that actually have me hope of curing myself.  I choose to try to cure myself, and I think I am better for it.  I've kept working, I've felt GOOD (not just fine) and my life has not had to suffer, re-adjust maybe but not suffer.

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong", I don't think I am strong, but I don't think I've chosen to be miserable either. 

So I have a month to keep loading myself with cancer killing potions.  I'll keep drinking my juice, shoving a litre of coffee up my colon and drinking flax oil, because at this stage it's not pointless, it's my life raft.

This week I have other issues.....I broke with middle toe!  Seriously, who breaks their middle toe kicking the bed on the way past?  I was pointing out the wrong way, that sort of broken.  So gym is interesting.....seeing as it's been making me feel so good I want to keep going....although it seems you need you toe for quite a bit, so I basically look quite uncoordinated (which is maybe not out of the ordinary).  So I am hindered by a stupid broken toe, 'having' cancer doesn't stop me from doing things but a stupid broken toe does. 

So when my scan is back I'll either be proud of myself, or disappointed.  And if I'm disappointed there are so many decisions I'd need to make.  If they thought surgery was an option we would have to weigh that up, as they is believe that getting in there and removing cells etc stirs it up and makes it grow faster, plus the area is still in the speech part of the brain.  And yes I'm sure some people would love me not to talk, but its all apparently in the area that helps you think in words as well.  My goodness it was be so much easier to not have the option of negative news, then I could just keep living life like I am now!!

Anyhow I can't do more than I am right now, so I guess I'll just try to stay positive and appreciate everyday that is lived.

Beyond Frankenfoods and Toxics: OCA's Ten Reasons to Buy Organic

Beyond Frankenfoods and Toxics: OCA's Ten Reasons to Buy Organic

You've got no right........

To expect good health.

I didn't used to be the most unhealthy person, but obviously I was not respecting my body.  It's true what they say 'the body is a temple'.

Reading an awesome book at the moment "Join our escape from death row - cancer jail" by Barry Thomson, awesome buy at only $20.  Some really uplifting positive stories of people doing just that.....escaping their death row cancer sentence and believing they could beat it.

One story in there though reminded me of how simple it is to slip back into the "I'm going to die from this thinking", there was a woman with lung cancer, which has metastasized to her brain.......walking dead, and then she started juicing etc, two tumours disappeared and two started to shrink!!  Unfortunately though she didn't take this as extra wind in her sails for the battle......she started to give up.  "how can I beat this" "this is going to win" and she stopped fighting......these are things I too have felt, usually after visits to the oncology department.  How do they expect anyone to fight to live when they are told "do this and it won't cure you, but it may help" "there is no remission for you", god it gets me angry.  I am the only person who can save me, the Dr's don't want to.

I got me sick, so they can watch me get myself better.

Good health is not our right.  Not when we don't respect our bodies and health.  Shit things happen to people who don't deserve it, but sometimes shit things happen to people who could of avoided it.

You'll never know if there is gold at the end of the rainbow if you don't try to follow it.

Things to Do........

Before you get cancer.....

1. Stop smoking!!!! I have ranted before on this!  Every time you light up a smoke it's like a smack in the face to anyone who is sick through no foolish actions of their own such as this.  It's a slap in the face of every parent who has a sick child, that has not done anything to deserve to have their life threatened by bad health.  I'm sick of the excuses "well I've got to die of something" "my nanna smoked till 100", remember those excuses when you have to tell your children, partner, mother, father, sisters, brothers, friends, that you've got cancer.  Remember those excuses when you are struggling to breath.

2. Avoid artificial sweeteners; including saccharin, aspartame, acesulfame potassium, sucralose, neotame, and cyclamate......the fact that it is ARTIFICIAL should deter you in the first place, but if not how about the fact that it can increase your risk of cancer.  Bladder cancer, brain cancer, lymphoma, leukemia.......need anything else to put you off?  You are NOT being "healthy" having the the 'diet' version!  If you are that worried about drinking/eating whatever it is in the first place why not just NOT have it??  If you want your tea sweeter put some raw sugar in!  Or none at all!  If you don't want to get fat drinking coke, DON'T drink coke!  Use it to clean your toilet!  Is not putting on weight more important that maintaining your health?  Since when is looking good in jeans more important that avoiding shopping for a coffin?

3. Eat more 'green' stuff and WHOLE foods (organic where you can); fairly obvious this one?  Yet how many of us gorge on green leafy vegetables?  How many of us have whole grain breads/pastas/brown rice??  You you refined these things you are stripping all of the goodness, all of the vitamins, you just end up with a plain looking, plain tasting, nutritionally naked, difficult to break down object that you are putting into your body.  Vegetables are magic, that are packed full of vitamins and enzymes, they provide your cells with the strength to heal us, protect us from getting sick or diseased.  They balance our pH, they have folate, they have phytochemicals that act as antioxidants against cancer cells, protect your digestive system from bad bacterias, beta-carotene (more protection from cancer and other diseases) which also converts to vitamin A, provide potassium for your heart and muscles, calcium for your bones, vitamin C, fibre......just eat them!  Drink them!! Steam them!! Roast them!! Have them RAW!

Go organic!!  Yes it is more expensive, what is the price on you and your children's life?  Conventional fruit and veggies are full of carcinogenic poisons and lack in the nutrients of their conterparts growing naturally with health in mind, not the appearance and profit.

4. Avoid Sulfates;  The cells in our amazing bodies are made up of proteins which need continuously rejuvenate to replace old and damaged cells with new fresh strong ones, every cell gets replaced every 7 years!  How amazing are our bodies......when we are allowing them too!  Sodium Lauryl Sulfate

affects the bodies proteins by forming a bridge between the fat soluble and water soluble parts of the protein molecule. This disrupts the whole cell, it becomes useless and it collapses! So then our body starts to madly work at fixing this but the new proteins don't have time to properly during the formation of them. SLS as mimics oestrogen, creating the potential to cause other cancers. It is known that high levels of oestrogen can cause breast and ovarian cancer, and in fact, cancer cells actually secrete their own oestrogen, which makes the tumor grow larger......

A single shampooing can generate more cancer causing nitrates than a pound of bacon with its toxic combination of SLS and nitrates..........even though we can't avoid all carcinogens in the the environment we can do our best to avoid those that we can.  Read your shampoo, body wash, soap, creams, tooth paste.

 

5. Stop using fluoride;  I've had a whinge about this before.....even though someone I live with insists on keeping on using it!!  Go to www.robertgammal.com and see why you should think twice before brushing your teeth with fluoride, and allowing a dent!!st to tell you what is best for your health.  It's scary!

 

More to follow soon.......

On me and my head.  

Feel fine!  It's probably almost illegal how good I feel when some dr's think I shouldn't be!  Apart from the fact my thyroid is being a right prat and not cooperating (will get it under control) everything else seems to be going fine!!  The hypothyroidism thing should be making be feel crap apparently so once it's fixed I'll probably be issued with some sort of superhero cape!

Signed my life over to the gym for 12 months (or until I'm sick of it and pay $75 to keep my awesomeness to myself) and I'm feeling much better about myself.  Haven't done exercise in so long the poor body is probably in shock, but having grown up playing sport and maintaining some fitness usually (apart from the naughty alcohol consumption) it's good to start releasing those good endorphins again.......plus the boxing classes will come in handy next time an oncologist is rude to me!

My baby (4!!!) starts prep next year!!  Had an interview the other day for him.......sometimes I think he is too little, but that's just because he's my baby.  I need to let him go otherwise he'll grow into a mummy's boy! He's very excited!  The year of "being 5" means "I go to big school and I can play soccer", he's so funny this his little time lines for his life!  I am looking forward to when he's is 19 and "builds a big house", hopefully it's for his mother!

 

You can't have a rainbow without the rain.

 

 

 

 

 

The Dread of it

I have dreadlocks.......................apparently this makes me a moving target!

People wanting me to feed children in Africa, give money to forests every month, buy a new boat for Greenpeace......... I have no money and if they wanted me to feed kids in Africa they would let me have one!!  Just some cute little ones can come and live with me and I'll feed them good and proper.

So in future can you please not presume that just because of someone's hair, outfit, face, shoes, car, underwear that you know what the person is like.  And don't ask me to save African's babies if you don't want to give them to me!  Please.

We are all guilty of judging people on our first impressions, and sometimes we give them a chance and they turn our to be sour anyhow.  Can't win!

That's all I have


Without you blowing wind in my sails this is a lonely sail

WHOOPS!! Have I fallen asleep?

Sometimes we don't remember how lucky we are!!
Apart from a wee spot of brain shenanigans my life has been pretty good, and still is! I love the people who I have in my life, I have everything I need plus extras, I am able to work, to love and experience life without limitations. Limitations from bad health, financial situations, religious beliefs or the rules of a country. When we are all so lucky why do we all still moan? I know I do. We all do. How much do we need to satisfy this unattainable idea of perfection, or how little do we need to realise how good it was before. Or how much do we need to try to justify the need for more? Not caring who we hurt in the process of getting it?

So I'm slack, obviously, with this blog, but honestly life has just been same same. Following the rules, working, juicing, enema'ing. And I feel good!! I feel the same as I did last year so I'm pretty happy with that. I'm also happy with the path I've chosen to follow, they told me they couldn't fix me then tried to pretend that new drugs would, I've seen others (and heard of others) who took the other path......at least 2 are now dead. And I can't help but wonder how they felt in the period between the c bomb and the end (less than a year). I don't think they would of felt good. I wonder how Dr's decide to sell their drugs to us when they know they probably won't work, you'll feel like shit and die anyhow.

I nearly died last week!!!! From heart failure! Honestly my heart can not take being at the final origin game!!! I'm a terrible loser! My heart was racing and my stomach in knots the whole time! I felt like I didn't breathe until the final siren! It's only football some say, no it's origin!!!

Anyhow, I've been quite the moody bitch lately!
Bloods being taken tomorrow to see how it's traveling, although just had a cheeky tooth pulled out today and it was infected so that may muck things up a big. Plus I took pain killers last night for the first time since my op, so I could sleep! Stupid tooth!!
I've also been going to the gym! And my lord!! You wouldn't think I swam and played sport all my life! So unfit and my muscles feel old! Depressing! Hopefully they start to wake up again soon!

I'm only as strong as my weakest moment