checking out early

Yesterday was the funeral of a boy, (man now I guess) that I went to school with, who had sadly taken his own life, the news of this over a week ago started to bring back a lot of memories of when a very close friend had done the same thing over 9 years ago now.  Why do people do this?  Particularly our young men.
It made me remember the confusion about it all.  Whenever you lose someone close to you there are the questions, why them?  Why now?  And there is the blame if there were other parties involved.
I think suicide makes the process worse.  Because even with the anger at accidents/diseases etc we all know that it happens, unfortunately life is not permanent and we are not invincible, but when someone takes their own life you think "what didn't I see, what didn't I hear".  Often then we look to blame someone for "making" them do it, the girl that broke their heart; the person that made them feel worthless, but the truth is they chose to do it.  Something felt so bad within them that they saw no way out, they saw no light at the end of their tunnel.  When the truth is that all sadness will eventually pass, or decrease, that all anger will dissipate and that happiness is possible again.

I don't understand why our young men get so full of hate/sadness/rage that they feel no other way out and see no solution.  And sadly it's not until they are gone that the truth about how much love for them is seen.  Someone once told me that prevented a male for taking his own life is a lot harderthan a girl, as girls think it through whereas boys think and do, there is only a brief window that is their to shake them awake.

I know that I have so many unanswered questions about my experience, and I don't think I will ever accept that he saw that as his only option.  I have seen a family live through that pain, I have seen his friends and I have lived it.  And sadly I too look for someone to blame, I hated the girl (don't even know her) who I was told made him feel like that.  I hate that I do have that feeling about her, but I do.  And I guess I also hate him for doing it, I don't hate him but I definitely hate that he did it because I saw the aftermath.  So I feel for this boy that I went to school withs family, and I feel for his friends but the blame they have on the living will never change the end result.
We shouldn't, no matter how fitting we think it may be, allow ourselves to hate the living for the actions of those that decided to leave us.

In light of the last 14months of my life I have added emotions to people doing this, because I can't understand why they chose to end their healthy life when others fight to keep their not so healthy lives.  I hate that they choose to let their families and friends live through a terrible loss that could of been avoided.  I hate that they have no respect for the value of life, I know this is unfair of me and I know that at that moment these things didn't matter to them.  But the rest of us are left missing someone, the rest of us are left fighting to live.

We will always wonder what we could of done, what we could of said, we will always curse them for not realising the love that was around them.  I think we need to try and live each day making sure we do what we can, hear what they are saying to us and tell them the love that surrounds them so that they always realise that the light is there to be turned back on, they just need to let people walk through the dark tunnel with them to help find the switch.

I hope I never lose another friend like this, one was enough.  This new years will be 10years since I started questioning "what could I have done? What didn't I do?"

No matter the darkness of today, tomorrow, next week, the light is not gone.  It's just waiting for you to let it back in.

C is for........

I think it's possibly been 5 weeks (maybe 6 ??) since starting the full therapy.......so far so good I guess.

It is a wee bit hard as far as time management goes, but I think it helps that I was already on a modified version for a year.  In the same respect that makes it worse as the other inhabitants of the house presume it's fine for me to just keep doing everything and that I should ASK for help, like it's my sole responsibility to make sure they are all fed and clothed.  That's another story though.

Finally getting a foo mill this week so I can make the hippocrates soup properly!  What a highlight hey!?

C........for cancer.
C........for castor oil.
C........apparently NOT for CRAP!!
I was VERY nervous about the castor oil days as I had heard such horror stories......crapping/spewing.....so I worked myself up and I did it!!!!
And....................NOTHING!!  It did nothing!  Bloody freak that I am.  So I waited to speak to Naturopath again before attempting it again in case I was doing it wrong or something.  NO it seems I'm just bizarre, well possibly more because I had been vegan for a year already and doing enemas twice a day.  The castor oil therapy is supposed to result in a big release of toxins from the liver etc (this is why it's not really suggested to people who've already had chemo as it would release a huge amount of toxins).  So basically YAY for me not having to feel the wrath of Castor oil!!  YAY me for going 26yrs without experiencing diarrhea! GROSS I know but I was scared!!

Other than that I guess I've been coping OK I guess, obviously feeling a bit overwhelmed at times.  I was ready to just pack it all in the other day.  It was all just getting too hard, the fighting at home, the lack of money, craving something to eat, the reality of the climb I have, it was all just building up inside of me and I was ready to just "whatever be, be".  Just impatient with people and with myself.  Over feeling like people are just hopeless really, over feeling like no one understands and feeling like I'm seeking attention by stomping my feet (metaphorically) and screaming at them to wake up and help me.

I hate asking for help from anyone and I hate even more admitting I need help just to be treated like I'm making excuses or something.  I was ready to give up and that's not like me.  I'm stubborn and I don't like to lose but my spirit was getting a bit chipped.

But today is a new day and if I keep feeling like that than I have to no one to blame but myself.  I am the only person who can provide myself with happiness, no one else.  I am the only person I can depend on as I'm the only one who is there with me at the end of the day, no matter how angry I am with me or disappointed I can't escape myself.  And I am the only person who can put as much effort into helping myself as I do others, even when they don't think I am.....stupidly (maybe) I keep putting that effort in to everyone else.  I sound like I think I'm awesome........but I don't, 98% of the time I hate or dislike me and the other 2% of the time I'm sleeping, haha (I think).

It's not been a full month of feeling sorry for me!  It's had good things, my son turned 4!!  Seems yesterday he was born, he continues to provide me with smiles everyday, even when he informs me I can't hug him as he is a little man. 

And most recently I tested my pH (which I haven't done for months) and it seems that I am now.............. alkaline!!!!  So high five me!! High five this hard path if it helps to get me to a smoother one.  So each time I'm looking at my green juice I just think "get that number up to 8.5" and skull!!! pH of 7.4 cancer cells are supposed to become dormant and at 8.5 DIE!!  So this is my nirvana! A body that is alkaline that will not tolerate cancer cells growing in it!

Maybe tomorrow I'll jibber about alkaline foods?? Maybe, who knows with me.  But it seems I need to start trying to focus on that happy path again :-)

So until I remember my login in again remember that 'The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable'  so hopefully I'm getting closer to my freedom.