Whoops it happened again......

Well I haven't written in over 2 months.....
I could have.

I could have written about the partial seizure I had at the end of August, where I couldn't speak for an hour. 
I could have written about the CT they did in the emergency room and sent me home and said there was a mark and if they didn't call by 8.30pm not to worry. 
I could have written that they called at 9.30pm saying there's was a new tumor.
I could have written that the neurosurgeons organised an MRI for me 3 weeks after the seizure.
I could have written that no one contacted me about the MRI until my Dr rang them, the next day they saw me.  October 18th, nearly 2 months after the partial seizure.
"My waiting list is 3 months, but I think you need to have an operation within 10days", FML.  So with my script for steroids and seizure medications I went home.

I don't know whether it was a reaction to taking this all in but that night was not normal.  I couldn't sleep, I was spewing, I couldn't use my right hand.  This was not normal.
Off to the hospital. 
Then next 3 days are all but gone.  I remember getting to the hospital and sitting in the waiting room, sitting in a wheelchair and laying on a bed wanting to just sleep.  My eyes were sore.  This was Wednesday.
I'm not sure were Thursday went...... I remembered my family and friends there.  Hearing about my son's prep interview and making my friend takes my earring out.
I remembered having a shower, and being wheeled to the operation.  The anaesthetists was shithouse that day at getting the heart monitor needle in!! Stabby stab!!  My whole wrist was bruised!  Then there were freaking out at how low my heart rate was, I'm a ninja hello!!!

This time, I don't remember waking up in recovery, only in ICU.  And I still couldn't talk (did I mention that? Well I couldn't) which was frustrating!
I lived through the night in ICU, evens though they were still freaking out about my heart rate, apparently it was 26 beats a minute a some stages. Ninja!!
They let me have a walk the next morning, but wouldn't take the bloody catheter out!!! The lovely nurse did last time, this time that made me keep it in for 2 nights!! This makes an unhappy Marg!  Also making me unhappy was the fact that I couldn't remember eating since Tuesday (it's Saturday) and the vegan food they serve in hospital is not good!!  I was starving and I got handed a tofu, yucky pesto, lettuce and tomato sandwich.  GROSS!!  Picked off the tofu and pesto, taste still remained.  YUCK!

I was home by Tuesday.  I still can't talk the best, but it's better!  It's all working in my mind, it's the forming the words to come out that needs effort.  But I will keep practising.

Now people probably think I'm stupid etc, that's I'm risking my life not taking some magic pills etc.  But there's is not magic pills! 

I'm back on my juicing, I have not missed a juice time or meal since getting out.
I was sabotaging myself.
1. I was spending a minimum of 6 hours a the gym a week, not allowed.
2. I was not eating Hippocrates soup twice daily, lets face it I hardly was eating it.
3. I was not eating the right things, at the right times.
4. I ate food that I wasn't supposed to when we were stuck out etc.
5. I drank occasional decaf coffee.
6. Never meditated
7. wasn't doing yoga
8. I wasn't releasing the past and practising forgiveness.
9. I was not doing all I could.

So maybe I am crazy.  But I still have hope.  Definitely not giving in.  Definitely still fighting.  It won't kill me.  We are all dying.  I might get hit a bus. 
The power of the mind is a magical thing.  And I won't let mine be told that it's got no hope.  Because I still do.  I'm too stubborn (and silly maybe) to let myself be told otherwise.

So.....I'm still here.  Don't plan on checking out soon either.


I approve of myself

Telling times.....

I had my appointment with the neurosurgeons last week and they decided it's scan time again......so I'm booked in, 4th October....plenty of time to prepare.

Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago if I get scared when I need go for my scans, and that answer is 'yes'.  I'm not scared OF the scan, I'm scared of the outcome.  Yes I feel good.  Yes I don't think I will die.  Yes everyone tells me I'll be fine.  But I also know the reality of it, and I'm not sure whether it's best to keep positive and if it's easier to expect the worst......

This scan I will have to believe, I've been to Radiowaves for three lots of treatment and have been drinking juice and spending hours a day having enemas, so I know that I am trying my best.  Just hoping my best is good enough.  And It's because I am feeling so good and trying so hard that swallowing results that are anything less then super will be hard.  But in the chance that happens I guess I'll just do what I've done for over 17months now, have a mini breakdown and take a deep breath and drink some more juice.  Because I just need to keep reminding myself that no option was going to be easy.  I could go with the oncologists who told be point plank they couldn't cure me, or I could go on another path that actually have me hope of curing myself.  I choose to try to cure myself, and I think I am better for it.  I've kept working, I've felt GOOD (not just fine) and my life has not had to suffer, re-adjust maybe but not suffer.

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong", I don't think I am strong, but I don't think I've chosen to be miserable either. 

So I have a month to keep loading myself with cancer killing potions.  I'll keep drinking my juice, shoving a litre of coffee up my colon and drinking flax oil, because at this stage it's not pointless, it's my life raft.

This week I have other issues.....I broke with middle toe!  Seriously, who breaks their middle toe kicking the bed on the way past?  I was pointing out the wrong way, that sort of broken.  So gym is interesting.....seeing as it's been making me feel so good I want to keep going....although it seems you need you toe for quite a bit, so I basically look quite uncoordinated (which is maybe not out of the ordinary).  So I am hindered by a stupid broken toe, 'having' cancer doesn't stop me from doing things but a stupid broken toe does. 

So when my scan is back I'll either be proud of myself, or disappointed.  And if I'm disappointed there are so many decisions I'd need to make.  If they thought surgery was an option we would have to weigh that up, as they is believe that getting in there and removing cells etc stirs it up and makes it grow faster, plus the area is still in the speech part of the brain.  And yes I'm sure some people would love me not to talk, but its all apparently in the area that helps you think in words as well.  My goodness it was be so much easier to not have the option of negative news, then I could just keep living life like I am now!!

Anyhow I can't do more than I am right now, so I guess I'll just try to stay positive and appreciate everyday that is lived.

Beyond Frankenfoods and Toxics: OCA's Ten Reasons to Buy Organic

Beyond Frankenfoods and Toxics: OCA's Ten Reasons to Buy Organic

You've got no right........

To expect good health.

I didn't used to be the most unhealthy person, but obviously I was not respecting my body.  It's true what they say 'the body is a temple'.

Reading an awesome book at the moment "Join our escape from death row - cancer jail" by Barry Thomson, awesome buy at only $20.  Some really uplifting positive stories of people doing just that.....escaping their death row cancer sentence and believing they could beat it.

One story in there though reminded me of how simple it is to slip back into the "I'm going to die from this thinking", there was a woman with lung cancer, which has metastasized to her brain.......walking dead, and then she started juicing etc, two tumours disappeared and two started to shrink!!  Unfortunately though she didn't take this as extra wind in her sails for the battle......she started to give up.  "how can I beat this" "this is going to win" and she stopped fighting......these are things I too have felt, usually after visits to the oncology department.  How do they expect anyone to fight to live when they are told "do this and it won't cure you, but it may help" "there is no remission for you", god it gets me angry.  I am the only person who can save me, the Dr's don't want to.

I got me sick, so they can watch me get myself better.

Good health is not our right.  Not when we don't respect our bodies and health.  Shit things happen to people who don't deserve it, but sometimes shit things happen to people who could of avoided it.

You'll never know if there is gold at the end of the rainbow if you don't try to follow it.

Things to Do........

Before you get cancer.....

1. Stop smoking!!!! I have ranted before on this!  Every time you light up a smoke it's like a smack in the face to anyone who is sick through no foolish actions of their own such as this.  It's a slap in the face of every parent who has a sick child, that has not done anything to deserve to have their life threatened by bad health.  I'm sick of the excuses "well I've got to die of something" "my nanna smoked till 100", remember those excuses when you have to tell your children, partner, mother, father, sisters, brothers, friends, that you've got cancer.  Remember those excuses when you are struggling to breath.

2. Avoid artificial sweeteners; including saccharin, aspartame, acesulfame potassium, sucralose, neotame, and cyclamate......the fact that it is ARTIFICIAL should deter you in the first place, but if not how about the fact that it can increase your risk of cancer.  Bladder cancer, brain cancer, lymphoma, leukemia.......need anything else to put you off?  You are NOT being "healthy" having the the 'diet' version!  If you are that worried about drinking/eating whatever it is in the first place why not just NOT have it??  If you want your tea sweeter put some raw sugar in!  Or none at all!  If you don't want to get fat drinking coke, DON'T drink coke!  Use it to clean your toilet!  Is not putting on weight more important that maintaining your health?  Since when is looking good in jeans more important that avoiding shopping for a coffin?

3. Eat more 'green' stuff and WHOLE foods (organic where you can); fairly obvious this one?  Yet how many of us gorge on green leafy vegetables?  How many of us have whole grain breads/pastas/brown rice??  You you refined these things you are stripping all of the goodness, all of the vitamins, you just end up with a plain looking, plain tasting, nutritionally naked, difficult to break down object that you are putting into your body.  Vegetables are magic, that are packed full of vitamins and enzymes, they provide your cells with the strength to heal us, protect us from getting sick or diseased.  They balance our pH, they have folate, they have phytochemicals that act as antioxidants against cancer cells, protect your digestive system from bad bacterias, beta-carotene (more protection from cancer and other diseases) which also converts to vitamin A, provide potassium for your heart and muscles, calcium for your bones, vitamin C, fibre......just eat them!  Drink them!! Steam them!! Roast them!! Have them RAW!

Go organic!!  Yes it is more expensive, what is the price on you and your children's life?  Conventional fruit and veggies are full of carcinogenic poisons and lack in the nutrients of their conterparts growing naturally with health in mind, not the appearance and profit.

4. Avoid Sulfates;  The cells in our amazing bodies are made up of proteins which need continuously rejuvenate to replace old and damaged cells with new fresh strong ones, every cell gets replaced every 7 years!  How amazing are our bodies......when we are allowing them too!  Sodium Lauryl Sulfate

affects the bodies proteins by forming a bridge between the fat soluble and water soluble parts of the protein molecule. This disrupts the whole cell, it becomes useless and it collapses! So then our body starts to madly work at fixing this but the new proteins don't have time to properly during the formation of them. SLS as mimics oestrogen, creating the potential to cause other cancers. It is known that high levels of oestrogen can cause breast and ovarian cancer, and in fact, cancer cells actually secrete their own oestrogen, which makes the tumor grow larger......

A single shampooing can generate more cancer causing nitrates than a pound of bacon with its toxic combination of SLS and nitrates..........even though we can't avoid all carcinogens in the the environment we can do our best to avoid those that we can.  Read your shampoo, body wash, soap, creams, tooth paste.

 

5. Stop using fluoride;  I've had a whinge about this before.....even though someone I live with insists on keeping on using it!!  Go to www.robertgammal.com and see why you should think twice before brushing your teeth with fluoride, and allowing a dent!!st to tell you what is best for your health.  It's scary!

 

More to follow soon.......

On me and my head.  

Feel fine!  It's probably almost illegal how good I feel when some dr's think I shouldn't be!  Apart from the fact my thyroid is being a right prat and not cooperating (will get it under control) everything else seems to be going fine!!  The hypothyroidism thing should be making be feel crap apparently so once it's fixed I'll probably be issued with some sort of superhero cape!

Signed my life over to the gym for 12 months (or until I'm sick of it and pay $75 to keep my awesomeness to myself) and I'm feeling much better about myself.  Haven't done exercise in so long the poor body is probably in shock, but having grown up playing sport and maintaining some fitness usually (apart from the naughty alcohol consumption) it's good to start releasing those good endorphins again.......plus the boxing classes will come in handy next time an oncologist is rude to me!

My baby (4!!!) starts prep next year!!  Had an interview the other day for him.......sometimes I think he is too little, but that's just because he's my baby.  I need to let him go otherwise he'll grow into a mummy's boy! He's very excited!  The year of "being 5" means "I go to big school and I can play soccer", he's so funny this his little time lines for his life!  I am looking forward to when he's is 19 and "builds a big house", hopefully it's for his mother!

 

You can't have a rainbow without the rain.

 

 

 

 

 

The Dread of it

I have dreadlocks.......................apparently this makes me a moving target!

People wanting me to feed children in Africa, give money to forests every month, buy a new boat for Greenpeace......... I have no money and if they wanted me to feed kids in Africa they would let me have one!!  Just some cute little ones can come and live with me and I'll feed them good and proper.

So in future can you please not presume that just because of someone's hair, outfit, face, shoes, car, underwear that you know what the person is like.  And don't ask me to save African's babies if you don't want to give them to me!  Please.

We are all guilty of judging people on our first impressions, and sometimes we give them a chance and they turn our to be sour anyhow.  Can't win!

That's all I have


Without you blowing wind in my sails this is a lonely sail

WHOOPS!! Have I fallen asleep?

Sometimes we don't remember how lucky we are!!
Apart from a wee spot of brain shenanigans my life has been pretty good, and still is! I love the people who I have in my life, I have everything I need plus extras, I am able to work, to love and experience life without limitations. Limitations from bad health, financial situations, religious beliefs or the rules of a country. When we are all so lucky why do we all still moan? I know I do. We all do. How much do we need to satisfy this unattainable idea of perfection, or how little do we need to realise how good it was before. Or how much do we need to try to justify the need for more? Not caring who we hurt in the process of getting it?

So I'm slack, obviously, with this blog, but honestly life has just been same same. Following the rules, working, juicing, enema'ing. And I feel good!! I feel the same as I did last year so I'm pretty happy with that. I'm also happy with the path I've chosen to follow, they told me they couldn't fix me then tried to pretend that new drugs would, I've seen others (and heard of others) who took the other path......at least 2 are now dead. And I can't help but wonder how they felt in the period between the c bomb and the end (less than a year). I don't think they would of felt good. I wonder how Dr's decide to sell their drugs to us when they know they probably won't work, you'll feel like shit and die anyhow.

I nearly died last week!!!! From heart failure! Honestly my heart can not take being at the final origin game!!! I'm a terrible loser! My heart was racing and my stomach in knots the whole time! I felt like I didn't breathe until the final siren! It's only football some say, no it's origin!!!

Anyhow, I've been quite the moody bitch lately!
Bloods being taken tomorrow to see how it's traveling, although just had a cheeky tooth pulled out today and it was infected so that may muck things up a big. Plus I took pain killers last night for the first time since my op, so I could sleep! Stupid tooth!!
I've also been going to the gym! And my lord!! You wouldn't think I swam and played sport all my life! So unfit and my muscles feel old! Depressing! Hopefully they start to wake up again soon!

I'm only as strong as my weakest moment

A life less normal

Do you want to go shopping?
Do you want to go for coffee?
Do you want to come out for tea?
Would you like a drink?

All fairly mundane everyday questions.  For most people.  Not for me.
Yes I can shopping, if I'm home in an hour or two.
I don't think you want to come have "coffee" with me.
Sorry I can't come out for tea, they probably don't serve organic vegan, wheat free, sugar free, salt free, fat free, unprocessed ANYTHING!
And yes I'd bloody LOVE a drink!!!! But that too is just a dream for me.

My life is not normal.

My life is not normal, but it is my life and I'm happy for it to be not normal for as long as I get to live it.  For as long as not normal keeps me feeling well.  
Because I could drink coffee, eat meat and swill my booze, but chances are I'd die a lot faster. 
So unfortunately you're all stuck with me!

And everyday that the passengers. that are my friends and family, sit on my not normal bus I silently thank them every night.  For being on my ride.  For accepting that this not normal is now my normal.  And for not treating me like a sick person.  Because I'm not.  I'm still the same sometimes bitchy, somewhat misunderstood Margaret that I've always been.  

Sometimes I wonder why some people from our pasts don't make it into our present.  And why some people come into our lives when we've had to change our whole existence. I don't know why.  But it's nice to feel like every person has a place in your journey.  That they've helped you in some way.  Whether it's because they inspired you to be like them, love them for being amazing or because there's something you don't like in them that makes you want to change yourself, every person we meet in this life contributes another line to the map of your life.

And my life is not normal, to some, but I love living it (most days) and if people don't want to help push when the ride breaks then they shouldn't be on in the first place.  And if people don't want you for the shit bits than they don't deserve to be there for the love and laughter. 

So to people who avoided our shit bits, We are fine without you.

Without you in my life I thought I'd never smile again, until I woke up smiling

checking out early

Yesterday was the funeral of a boy, (man now I guess) that I went to school with, who had sadly taken his own life, the news of this over a week ago started to bring back a lot of memories of when a very close friend had done the same thing over 9 years ago now.  Why do people do this?  Particularly our young men.
It made me remember the confusion about it all.  Whenever you lose someone close to you there are the questions, why them?  Why now?  And there is the blame if there were other parties involved.
I think suicide makes the process worse.  Because even with the anger at accidents/diseases etc we all know that it happens, unfortunately life is not permanent and we are not invincible, but when someone takes their own life you think "what didn't I see, what didn't I hear".  Often then we look to blame someone for "making" them do it, the girl that broke their heart; the person that made them feel worthless, but the truth is they chose to do it.  Something felt so bad within them that they saw no way out, they saw no light at the end of their tunnel.  When the truth is that all sadness will eventually pass, or decrease, that all anger will dissipate and that happiness is possible again.

I don't understand why our young men get so full of hate/sadness/rage that they feel no other way out and see no solution.  And sadly it's not until they are gone that the truth about how much love for them is seen.  Someone once told me that prevented a male for taking his own life is a lot harderthan a girl, as girls think it through whereas boys think and do, there is only a brief window that is their to shake them awake.

I know that I have so many unanswered questions about my experience, and I don't think I will ever accept that he saw that as his only option.  I have seen a family live through that pain, I have seen his friends and I have lived it.  And sadly I too look for someone to blame, I hated the girl (don't even know her) who I was told made him feel like that.  I hate that I do have that feeling about her, but I do.  And I guess I also hate him for doing it, I don't hate him but I definitely hate that he did it because I saw the aftermath.  So I feel for this boy that I went to school withs family, and I feel for his friends but the blame they have on the living will never change the end result.
We shouldn't, no matter how fitting we think it may be, allow ourselves to hate the living for the actions of those that decided to leave us.

In light of the last 14months of my life I have added emotions to people doing this, because I can't understand why they chose to end their healthy life when others fight to keep their not so healthy lives.  I hate that they choose to let their families and friends live through a terrible loss that could of been avoided.  I hate that they have no respect for the value of life, I know this is unfair of me and I know that at that moment these things didn't matter to them.  But the rest of us are left missing someone, the rest of us are left fighting to live.

We will always wonder what we could of done, what we could of said, we will always curse them for not realising the love that was around them.  I think we need to try and live each day making sure we do what we can, hear what they are saying to us and tell them the love that surrounds them so that they always realise that the light is there to be turned back on, they just need to let people walk through the dark tunnel with them to help find the switch.

I hope I never lose another friend like this, one was enough.  This new years will be 10years since I started questioning "what could I have done? What didn't I do?"

No matter the darkness of today, tomorrow, next week, the light is not gone.  It's just waiting for you to let it back in.

C is for........

I think it's possibly been 5 weeks (maybe 6 ??) since starting the full therapy.......so far so good I guess.

It is a wee bit hard as far as time management goes, but I think it helps that I was already on a modified version for a year.  In the same respect that makes it worse as the other inhabitants of the house presume it's fine for me to just keep doing everything and that I should ASK for help, like it's my sole responsibility to make sure they are all fed and clothed.  That's another story though.

Finally getting a foo mill this week so I can make the hippocrates soup properly!  What a highlight hey!?

C........for cancer.
C........for castor oil.
C........apparently NOT for CRAP!!
I was VERY nervous about the castor oil days as I had heard such horror stories......crapping/spewing.....so I worked myself up and I did it!!!!
And....................NOTHING!!  It did nothing!  Bloody freak that I am.  So I waited to speak to Naturopath again before attempting it again in case I was doing it wrong or something.  NO it seems I'm just bizarre, well possibly more because I had been vegan for a year already and doing enemas twice a day.  The castor oil therapy is supposed to result in a big release of toxins from the liver etc (this is why it's not really suggested to people who've already had chemo as it would release a huge amount of toxins).  So basically YAY for me not having to feel the wrath of Castor oil!!  YAY me for going 26yrs without experiencing diarrhea! GROSS I know but I was scared!!

Other than that I guess I've been coping OK I guess, obviously feeling a bit overwhelmed at times.  I was ready to just pack it all in the other day.  It was all just getting too hard, the fighting at home, the lack of money, craving something to eat, the reality of the climb I have, it was all just building up inside of me and I was ready to just "whatever be, be".  Just impatient with people and with myself.  Over feeling like people are just hopeless really, over feeling like no one understands and feeling like I'm seeking attention by stomping my feet (metaphorically) and screaming at them to wake up and help me.

I hate asking for help from anyone and I hate even more admitting I need help just to be treated like I'm making excuses or something.  I was ready to give up and that's not like me.  I'm stubborn and I don't like to lose but my spirit was getting a bit chipped.

But today is a new day and if I keep feeling like that than I have to no one to blame but myself.  I am the only person who can provide myself with happiness, no one else.  I am the only person I can depend on as I'm the only one who is there with me at the end of the day, no matter how angry I am with me or disappointed I can't escape myself.  And I am the only person who can put as much effort into helping myself as I do others, even when they don't think I am.....stupidly (maybe) I keep putting that effort in to everyone else.  I sound like I think I'm awesome........but I don't, 98% of the time I hate or dislike me and the other 2% of the time I'm sleeping, haha (I think).

It's not been a full month of feeling sorry for me!  It's had good things, my son turned 4!!  Seems yesterday he was born, he continues to provide me with smiles everyday, even when he informs me I can't hug him as he is a little man. 

And most recently I tested my pH (which I haven't done for months) and it seems that I am now.............. alkaline!!!!  So high five me!! High five this hard path if it helps to get me to a smoother one.  So each time I'm looking at my green juice I just think "get that number up to 8.5" and skull!!! pH of 7.4 cancer cells are supposed to become dormant and at 8.5 DIE!!  So this is my nirvana! A body that is alkaline that will not tolerate cancer cells growing in it!

Maybe tomorrow I'll jibber about alkaline foods?? Maybe, who knows with me.  But it seems I need to start trying to focus on that happy path again :-)

So until I remember my login in again remember that 'The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable'  so hopefully I'm getting closer to my freedom.

13 and 5

The journey has begun this week, so I have been AWOL trying to stay on track with the timing of juices etc.  So far so good have done the 13 juices and 5 enemas each day since Tuesday, three fulls days of it yet feels like a month!  Yesterday I atempted this dreaded Castor oil treatment day........and NOTHING!!  It did not effect me, so either I am immune or I'm just blessed with some crazy cast iron belly.  Was dreading the whole process as I have never experienced the outcome that it is supposed to have, but nothing!!  Drank it in the morning and put into enema #2 as directed.

So my days look something like this
6.30am get up and soak porridge, peel oranges, put on laundry and prepare enema
7am go for enema #1
8am porridge and orange juice,wash up,  hang out washing put more on
9am green juice
9.30am apple and carrot juice, hang out more washing
10am apple and carrot juice, enema #2
11am carrot juice, tidy up a bit
12pm green juice
1pm green juice, lunch
2pm apple and carrot juice, enema #3
3pm carrot juice
4pm carrot juice
5pm green juice, start cooking everyone's dinner
6pm apple and carrot juice, enema #4
7pm green juice, dinner
8.30pm enema #5

So far going to work for 3 hours a day 4 times a week is going ok, squishing the juices in/getting some brought to me.
Not yet having any "detox" symtoms, and am hoping that I don't get very bad ones seeing I had been on the modified version for nearly a year before starting this (7 and 2, so half of the present program).  Have just been tired and a bit head achey.  Feeling very bloated and feel I have put on a lot of weight.

When I went to pick up my veggies this week I saw one of the boys who I used to work with and he wants me to go to something at the church in a few weeks, some Christian healer is going.  I am still a wee bit undecided on this, though I guess it wouldn't hurt me.

I have my appointment with the naturopath next week, so I will be asking her about the non event that was Castor oil day!

Anyhow, that's all that's happening.  Juicing, enema'ing, cleaning, cooking, working and reading.  Read one of my favourite books at the start of the week "Desert Flower" by Waris Dirie, I haven't read it in about 8years and was good to remind myself of how easy my life is.  Now reading "The monk who sold his ferrari".

Hopefully something interesting happens soon, as I'm boring myself even!

If you do everything backwards you will eventually catch yourself up at the begining

All Aboard....

The juice train is warming up!  Friday I eased on in with 9 juices, then on Saturday I had 12!  Go me!  Though I didn't adjust the 'special time' enema's and I really should of!!  But the random sister showed up with a lovely Himalayan salt lamp (took the decision out of that mission) and then told me my house was filthy!  The amusing part of that statement is that I have SEEN her dwellings at interesting times.  (Also had 6 bottles of the crystal effect deodorant she had bought on special on the net and had sent over from the USA, so YAY no smelly me)

Yesterday we went and bought a brand new fridge for my veggies!  It is now FULL of lettuce's, kale bags, silverbeet, cabbages, capsicum and the 20kg of carrots.  So hopefully this lovely fridge with help me successfully get through the first week, and the second and third (3 weeks to form a habit?) then the next 2yrs will be a breeze! 
Still waiting on the supplements from the US and to see the therapist to get dosage done, so I am holding of on the Castor oil days and peroxide baths until that is sorted as well.

Nothing else really interesting in the world of juice and brains, just stressed.  Trying to not be.  Trying to enhance the calm and see how maybe continued confrontation can be avoided.  Answer is Margaret is right!  Answer is Margaret usually won't say something she doesn't believe to be true! Answer is Margaret wins!  Just not at monopoly when using a meerkat figurine wearing a top hat.

Oh,and I said goodbye to pineapple today.  Bloody thing wasn't even that nice.

I've had brain surgery, what's your excuse?

OK so my appointment on the 6th of April at 3.30 was actually on the 5th of April!! Momentary brain fart.  SO dodged that bullet, didn't need to go and get angry at Asian oncologist biarch who makes me feel like a fruitcake, "don't you think if drinking juice did anything it would be a standard treamtent" smart arse!!  Then you wouldn't have a job if people actually took care of their health and your employers (phamaceutical companies) would go broke!  SO I have no idea what the neaurosurgeons have decided, I guess if that wanted to crack the old skull open again they would hunt me down! As there are students that need to learn.  Apparently they will send a new appointment out, not sure that suits me! 

Big month this month!!  Need to start the new journey, easter, plus I will officially own a 4 year old boy!  Apparently we need a green bike, and not too fussed on a party......he says now!  So I better googled 'how to be a mother and give them a good birthday' ideas.

I was standing in a coffee shop the other day and the owner was talking to a customer, no I was not listening, and the customer was asking something about old loves health and she replied "oh they still don't know" and the customer was like "goodness this has been going on for a long time" "try years! I wish they would just tell me if I'm dying or not"......what the??  How sad to be living with that thought in the back of your mind, and once again I blame bloody Dr's who play God and think they can tell people if they are "dying"!  Well obviously you champion, we are ALL dying!!  How about they concentrate on finding out what the problem is and seeing whether they can help, rather than scaring the shit out of people.  And when they find what it is how about trying to FIX it rather than masking with their beloved drugs.

Speaking of dying.  My goat is a little up again this week!  Smokers!  I truly do not understand smokers.  If I knew what it was that had made my tumour grow I would never go near it again, never let anyone I know go near it.  Why do people do something they know could potentially kill them?  And not in a pleasant go to sleep one night and wake up dead kind of way!  More like in a I struggle to breath and I'm coughing up my lung ling kind of way.  More like in a I now have cancer and my stupid justification for smoking seem so stupid now.  More in a I have primary lung cancer that has now travelled to my other organs, bones and brain kind of way.  You will wish you were dead, but not before you regret ever having picked up a cigarrette saying "well we all have to die of something" or my personal favourite "I know someone who smoked and lived till their 90's".......you will regret thinking that when you are told you have the C bomb, trust me!  Here I am fighting to live, and people I love are basically killing themself in front of me.  I wish I could transfer how it felt to sit and be told you have the C bomb, beacuse maybe they would understand that they will regret it and they will not think it was worth it.
The other part that gets the goat really up and gone is the cost!  If you can't afford to do nice things with your kids why can you afford to smoke?  If you can't afford food why can you afford to smoke?  If you can't afford petrol why can you afford to smoke?  If you can't afford to live I guess that's why you smoke?
Oh well each to their own, but I will never hear an excuse that will justify doing something so stupid and I hope the people I know either grow up and stop or by some miracle dodge that visit to cancer ward.

Sorry if that offends anyone, but when you're fighting to live people doing their best to kill themselves makes you a bit angry.

Live the life you love and love the life you live - Bob Marley

Decisions

So I wrote and entry and it decided to disappear into nothing as if it didn't exist.  I hate that!! I have an inability to rewrite.

So this week I am dragged back into the oncologists office, not by choice!  I hate going there, but I need to go as this is the only way I can find out what the neurosurgeons have decided about my last scan.  I hate the health system!  You can't access your own medical history unless a Dr requests it or you go through the painful "legal" process, maybe it's just me they hate.  So to find out whether they want to crack my skull open again I need to see the people who want to sign me up for the trial Chemo drugs.  I hate them.  They stress me out, upset me and make me doubt my choices.  When really I should doubt anything, as what they have offered is nothing.  So I am stressed and worried, as I don't want to go through it again.  Plus I hazard a guess that it would be worse the second time around, added risks, plus I would know the hell I was going to go through when I woke up.  Shitting myself I think the term is.  Even though apparently I should not be!  Days like today make me wonder......wonder if I can do this.  Sometimes it seems like I'm destined to fall on my face, sometimes it feels like I'm a rickety old ship alone in the storm and I wonder why I am trying to do this.  I hate that feeling because I don't want to feel sorry for myself I hate it.  But surely people would care enough to even use Dr Google to see what it is that I'm about to commit to, what's going to happen/what could happen.  Selfish moments I have.

This is my last week of my strange "normal" before the Gersons journey begins.  The last week I can sleep later than 6am, the last week of not making, drinking and washing up 13 juices a day.  The big journey can start anytime from next weekend, just waiting on some supplements for the USA and their dosages to be worked out and then there are no excuses!!  Still haven't organised a fridge, though that is easy.  Hopefully I am sorting of the mental side of it all, though some days I need to remember I only NEED me to be committed for this journey to work, I need to stop expecting others to hold my hand.
So in a week or so my life of rising at 6am to start enemas and juicing, with the timetable ending at 10pm, will commence.  I am shitty myself I think you could say, every emotion just rolled up into one!  I'm anxious, excited, nervous, scared, overwhelmed.  Plus today I am angry, I am angry that certain people just make things harder for no reason.

So my shitty skin (I know everyone cares, not) slowly clearly up apparently.  Getting witch hazel and stuff rubbed over it each night so hopefully it keeps on clearing.

Steroid situation; YAY finished them yesterday, so hopefully I start sleeping MORE (for now) and eating LESS.  But seeing as my strange diet is about to be limited more I may spend the week eating berries and pineapple and lentils (about to be CUT on gersons)

So this weeks mission is to find which Himalayan salt lamp I am going to buy, been wanting one for ages but I am a tight arse even though are aren't expensive!!  These lamps are not only pretty they are excellent air purifiers!  Getting rid of dust, mould, dust mites, and neutralising positive ions in the air produced by TV's, radios, computers, microwaves etc.  High concentrations of negative ions (produced by the salt lamps) are required for high energy levels and positive moods, so I'm going to FILL the house and I will be an annoying hyperactive positive vegan ray of sunshine! Right?

Don't be nasty to someone who prepares your food

ANOTHER 365 days on!!

Sorry for ANOTHER anniversary post, how boring I KNOW

So yesterday marked another "year since" passed by me yesterday. One year since THE operation. One year since I thought the worst was OVER!! One year since I got Wheeled into surgery, remembering my tongue bar at the last minute!! Telling the anesthetist not to put a catheter in "just to but a bucket under me".  Telling the Drs not to cut all my hair off!
Then waking up! Was BAD I couldn't talk, I wanted to spew, my head felt like cement, I was hot and sweating, I couldn't move my legs!! Brain surgery you're a bitch from hell!!! I prefer to re live my 9'6" son busting his way out of my vagina any day!!!
Tried telling a nurse you're going to spew when you can't talk?! Tried to act all fine when the surgeons come to check on you!? I must of looked like a tard, I swear I was probably drooling!
Shoot me up with something so
I don't spew!!! Yep that worked......oh no a bit more please!!
Pain killers??? Yes please it hurts! I want to cry.....

Off to ICU, excellent.......uncomfortable, take my vitals every 30-1hr, pain killers, can't talk properly!!!! Noise, lights, this is not working for me!!!! finally some visitors allowed in to see I am alive!! Don't know if I could talk? John? Sara? I think I tried.
My head hurts, my legs are uncomfortable and hot!! Stupid pressure stockings and plastic breathing balloons over them!!
Bloody catheter!!!
Aaarrrggghhh there's a tube coming from my head going into a bag hanging next to me! Great a brain fluid handbag!!!!!
Lovely nurse takes pity on me and give me a quick sponge bath, so hot.
I live through the VERY long night!!! Apparently during which panadol was deemed a strong enough pain killer?!
Nurse change over, she is awesome!!! Because? She takes out the catheter even though bloody Drs think leave it!!! Plus she let's me get up and walk and have a shower!!!!!! Bliss!! I look a fright!! Crazy head ware! Juggle  Trendy sack of blood handbag and drip.....but I'm clean! And hungry!!!!!!


Ok so I thought it was over.........

So the next chapter is about to start! Two weeks and I should be a fully fledged full time gerson devotee!!  I've been reading and re-reading over my new timetable etc.......by jingos! I'm excited but anxious!!! Still more supplements to organise but this will all happen. Another fridge to source, but that's easy.  Trying to think how I can make money from home to support my expensive organic requirements, not so easy! So far my top two ideas are being a drug dealer or running a brothel.......apparently not really legal??? I am determined that I will be able to work 12hours to cover boys pre school, just need to find some other magic money.......today I thought I could make nice quilt covers?? Blinds?? Yep I think being a drug dealer is easier.

So I spent my anniversary taking boy to swimming, cleaning, cooking, then going to work. I love that my life is normal!! And I wouldn't want it to be anything but!

Started reading a book today and it stated something so simple "we project our self criticism onto others", which is very true and something I really need to try and be mindful of!
Also "stop blaming anyone or anything for your situation", this I think is so powerful. People don't MAKE me angry, I get angry as a reaction, something or someone didn't make me sick, I got sick because my body could not cope with how it was being treated.

Anyhow, my mind is a mess and rambling!! You'd think surgery was 12 hours ago not 12 months!!  Need to find some balance....

To my fellow captain ;-) "in time this will all pass, and we will toast you all with fresh kale and wheatgrass juice, because we want to"

Flying

Back to reality we head.  Scared. Unsure. Nervous. Skeptical. Excited. Worried. Anxious. Happy. Stressed.
So much to organise and to organise, in not only my head but my house! 
Prepare for less money, less time, less interaction, less freedom.  More commitment, determination, optimism, gratitude, support, juices, enemas. 
How is my body going to react physically, how is my mind going to react......how is everyone else going to survive/understand the emotions? What if they think I'm a lunatic having a tantrum? will I have the support there?  Should I concentrate on enhancing the calm, bottling it all in.  Shut your mouth Margaret, swallow the problem and move on.

I'm only guessing how different life will be, so give me some time to adjust and I'll tell you how much easier/harder it has gotten.
More stress already added to the pot before the hard part has even begun! Swallow it down and move on Margaret.......

Keeping on track of the worst part of my day being fickle......my skin has gone absolutely crazy from treatment!!! And it's two weeks until my friends engagement party! I have a strapless dress to wear!!! With a cardigan now it would seem, as pointed out by my mother!! So life is pretty good, I'm annoyed with crappy skin! But me having crappy skin won't ruin her night or mean there's any less love in that room. Me having crappy skin won't make me have a bad night.  
So I'm happy that my biggest issue today is something as petty as crappy skin, because even with my crappy skin my plane will land, my son will be happy to see his father, my over weight bag will be unpacked, my bed will be warm, my house safe, my too many possessions will be there waiting, my little life on my island will remain fairly simple. Safe. Not ripped apart by war or famine.  Not shaken to the earth by earthquakes, not swallowed up by the ocean.  So to crappy skin I say thank you for giving me the worst part of my day because the rest of it is pretty good from where I sit.

So I fly towards the next of my journey and I can't predict what it's going to bring but I hope i learn some grace, gratitude, compassion and composure! And I cross my fingers I'm not too hard to deal with, but I guess only time will tell. 

Danger in feeling "fine"?

Somedays it's crap to be a "cancer patient" because I don't feel sick. I don't look sick. I guess a lot if the time I don't believe I'm sick. Which is good!! It means that, usually, I don't feel too sorry for myself.  But it makes me think, is this dangerous? Like I'm letting my guard down to an invisible army waiting to burn down my village and steal all my corn.

I feel the same I've always felt, apart from some headaches but that's life when you get it cracked open and fiddled with, I wonder.....do I really have cancer? If I was letting them poison me with radiation and chemotherapy then I'd KNOW I was sick! I feel like I was! And I'd probably look like I was.  But I don't want that! I don't want to gamble my memory, glands and cognitive functions with radiation that will probably result in cancer later in life and probably won't stop the "the perfect cancer".  I don't want to gamble my immune system and general health on being a guinea pig in a chemotherapy trial! They've said, it will come back no matter what, worse. These guys aren't very good salesman!!
"the perfect cancer" because it's up there, romping around like it owns the place with no rules.  But here is the GOOD thing, brain cancer doesn't travel to your other organs like other cancers, yay.  But maybe that's because there is already enough vital operations happening upstairs (though I wonder with me at times)......apparently it grows and starts to damage things. Squishes them. Damages nerves. Fits. Strokes. Hhhhhmmmmm answer........work on not letting it grow!!!

Alkalinity.........if your body is alkaline cancer can not exist.  So this is the basic mission I'm on!!! In a nut shell!

So I don't feel "sick" and I hope I never do!!! My path may make me very anti social but I'll feel good while being locked in my house drinking juice and doing enemas! Learning to just be.  And thinking myself healthy.  So each day we feel fine is not a wasted day!  Some people don't have the luxury of feeling fine and moaning about traffic and their jobs.
So I hope my biggest worry each day is whether my bum looks big in my shorts because that's a good day!!

Be present in the moment and that moment is a present 

Poor me day.......

This was my day yesterday.  And I hate it.

It didn't start off like this, but it sure did end up like this!!
Treatment is hard this week, the intensity has been turned up and it's making me tireder than usual. Add that on top of already feeling emotional and exhausted from everything else and I'm not in a happy place.

The cell was hard yesterday as I had silence, as the nurse was a twit and had my music turned down so I couldn't gage how long I had to go in there.  My visualisation for the day was the world REGRESSION, picturing the day that the Dr has to tell me there has been disease regression.  I didn't realise it was just going to turn into my life regressing!  As usual outside factors are my fault!  Obviously I'm not supportive enough, don't try hard enough.  Why the hell try so bloody hard to please everyone when I'm so far off base it's ridiculous.  Regressing to when I'm always wring, even though it's not my interests I have at heart!  When my efforts have absolutely no benefit for me!
Maybe I expect too much from everyone, yet give so little myself.

When do you give up and realise you have failed?  When do you stop fighting to keep the wheels turning when they have probably already fallen off?  I am stubborn and usually don't like to admit failure but maybe I need to start identifying when I can't win.

So today I start my day feeling like a failure and a waste of space.  And I want cheese!  I wish I could have cheese.  And I'm sorry to anyone who I don't please all of the time.  Sorry for the poor me whinge today, I hate to write it and I'm sure a pain to read.  My problems I know are trivial to most!  But jeepers my goat is up today and I wish I could put it into words and spew them out and be free of the virus of self pity.

So 3 days and 87minutes to go in the cell.  Off I go.  To dream of cheese.  I wonder if I'm allowed music today!

If you can take the worst moment out of your day and turn it into a lesson maybe it was worth it

Another year on

So I wake up today and it's been one year since the bomb was dropped......usually I do this blogging at the end of my day but today I'm getting it out of my way.
So it's been a year since my life and my family's has been turned on it's head.  I think it's changed us all in some way, some of us have become closer, some more understanding of one another, whilst some of us still don't grasp how important family is.......but that's another whinge!!

So one year ago I went to bed with J and X snoring on the couch, normal.  To be woken in the early hours by a frantic J, telling me to stay still (on the floor) and an ambulance was coming.....what the?!  I needed to pee, but he was like no stay still, NO i needed to pee......
He looked really quite terrified, I hope I never see him like that again.  I came back in and sat on the bed and then I started to freak out as I had NO idea what was going on, and he was telling me I had a fit.  I started to freak out a little then as I knew nothing!!  Anyhow the ambulance came and John told them what had happened and they bundled me up and took me away, they did ask if I had wet myself!  NO NO phew as I would of been embarrassed!!  So they bundled me off on my first ambulance ride and J was going to follow with X......
On the way the paramedic was lovely, asking what I remembered etc it was then in the ambulance I remembered being in bed and "the fit" it was scary and I was trying to call out to J but my voice would not work and I was trying to move but my body was doing it's own crazy dance.......and then that's all I remember.....
My elbow that I had a pin put in at Christmas time was ACHING!!
The paramedic asked a few other questions, and then I remembered my weekend two weeks previous........my good friends fathers 50th where I, in usual booze hag mode, had annihilated myself with his encouragement of getting us all to do shots!!  We were all a mess!!  I broke my dress, a mosquito lamp and possibly my nose!!  I had fallen FLAT on my face in the dark!  How much simpler life would be if the seizure had just been from that!!! 
It never crossed my mind it could be something more sinister, was thinking maybe hemorrhage from the drunken antics or epilepsy.........did not think the lovely little English Dr would come in and say they had found a substantial "lesion" on my brain......what the heck is a bloody brain lesion?!  So in that moment our lives changed.......

I was shifted to a ward, this was shit, surely a bad dream.
Then they sent off my scans to the "neuro gods" at RBH where they looked at them.......and it was then they decided it was a low grade benign tumour, with it's clear lines blah blah blah, we know how that story ended!!  But this was the beginning.......
So we thought, ok this is bad but it could be WORSE!
I was then shifted in to RBH, another ambulance ride!!  Where I went through MORE MRI's and tests, and told AGAIN and AGAIN how it was a low grade benign tumour and should be fine after surgery........
SO I was trapped in hospital, BORED!!!  Thank god for angry birds on the iPhone!  Mum drove in everyday!!  Big effort in the dodgy frustrating Brisbane traffic!!  I had two of my friends make trips from hours away to see me, true friends.
So here I sat being prodded and poked and dosed with anti seizure pills and steroids for a week waiting for them to decide when to operate........I did get released for one of my best friends weddings the day before surgery!! (that's what you get when you suck up the nurses bums!!) Though I did need to attend with these funky stickers on my head that were required for surgery in the morning, so needed to wear a scarf!  Story to those photos.
So on the Monday morning I was up early, and hooked up to the stupid drip and the wait began..........wheeled off to surgery, checked on by the good hot Dr, made me feel good knowing he would see me, passed out, head cracked opened!!  Was NOT impressed I needed a catheter, I told them to just put a bucket under me.......apparently this is not in hospital guidelines!  And then I was out........
Waking up was BAD I felt like I was going to spew, so they injected me, I was hot, I was sore, I couldn't TALK!! (Freaked me out as the tumour was near my speech centre and at the time this was the biggest worry)..........never again I thought!
They eventually took me to ICU, another place you don't want to be!! I was sweating and sore and uncomfortable.  My head was all bandaged up and I had a drain coming out of it, my blood handbag.  They eventually let J and S (basically my sister) in to see me, not sure I made any sense to them but it  was good to see their friendly faces.  So in ICU I stayed for the night, hot and monitored all night, not sleep.......never again I thought!!
The nurse the next day was an angel!! Because she took the catheter out even though the Dr wanted in left in!  And then she let me shower!!  My god I looked a site, with my head gear and blood handbag! 
Things they could of told me though; you will have a sore head (not from cracking it open) from where we are going to CLAMP your head down so you can't move,and you are going to have an incredibly sore back!  As we are going to divert all of the fluids that usually go up your spine and they will settle on the base of your spine.  Thanks for the heads up.  NOT.

So I survived!!  And they told me how it was "textbook" and couldn't of gone better..........we all know how that ends but that's for another day.
I managed to con the nurses, again, into letting me out for Easter!!  Oh how I wish I didn't need to go back for the news they wanted to tell me.

So here I sit, one year on, still alive, still fighting.  Reminding myself how WRONG they were once and will be again.
One year on since my life changed, maybe it's been for the better?  It surely is a gift in the shittiest wrapping paper this cancer, it's made me try harder to love, harder to forgive, harder to achieve, harder to appreciate, harder to live.
So thanks for everyone who got thrown into the passenger seat of the crazy cancer train with me!!  Your tickets are non refundable as you're stuck with me!!  And next year at the 2 year mark I'm sure there will be bigger and better stories........and to cancer I say bite me.

The only thing better than sleep is knowing you're going to wake up

365 days.......where's my badge?

Letting go.....
So today marks 1 year sober, which as I wasn't an actual alcoholic maybe doesn't mark as big of an achievement as it may have! But I did like to drink! And I liked me better with a drink!! I thought I was mucho more amusing! And probably that you all were too!! I thought I liked dancing and being outgoing! Well for 365 days now I have been considerably less amusing, interesting and fun! But I am alive so I think I'd "rather be sober and alive than drunk and dead".........
Up until the last scan incident I think I really thought, "yep I'm going to do this, I'm going to beat it and by 2012 I'll be Margaret again" well it seems I've got to reevaluate this!! I knew that, obviousl,y I would never be able to live the same way again, as evidently something was NOT working with that path! But I did think, yep I'll get to drink at my best friends wedding! And I won't have to get married sober!! SAD FACE the "two year plan" is starting again in April 2011 and even after that I may never get to skull like a bogan from a bottle of oyster bay (thanks Jem! Circa my sons 2nd birthday)!! I may never get to "reclaim" granite from peoples gardens as you "can't own a rock" and dump it on my brothers bedroom floor at 3am proudly awaking him to his present, and I may never actually have any excuse to sit on the floor in front of my parents fridge eating what I thought was the worst pea and ham soup my mother had ever made with my fingers, turns out it was steak and kidney.  So now I'll be sober. And boring. But alive.
With this new found constant state of designated driverdom my family are thrilled!!! As they know they'll all get home!! Also probably just as thrilled I'm not out embarrassing them!
This sober Sally routine also does result in certain things for me to be thankful for:
1. I'll never swim half naked in front of half a rugby team again
2. I'll never swim in a stanthorpe creek again in the middle of winter
3. I'll never swim at south bank in my underwear at daybreak again
4. I'll never swim at night in wynnum resulting in infected oyster shell cuts
(seems I was not only silly and dangerous drunk I was also under some illusion I was a seal!)
5. I'll never spend a day spewing from alcohol poisoning until 5pm
6. I'll never wake up worried who I may of offended the night before.

So maybe being sober will work???
I'd much rather be dancing and climbing palm trees, badly, but for now I'll just sit and drink my juice and watch everyone else for a change and life vicariously through them. Even though I'm considerably more boring, hopefully I will have a lot more time being boring than I would being loud and boozed!!

It's probably not a big thing to most, but anyone who knows me will agree I'm sure that I was more fun drunk!!!! Not everyday, but I'm sure I'd brighten up your party!!

So time to move on and work out how to like me. Like me sober......
Unless we get through the next two year plan without my miracle, then I tell you what you probably won't want me at your party! I'll be a maniac, luckily failure isn't an option so sober Sally it is!!

So today I celebrate letting go of my friend the drink!! I'm pretty sure I should get a badge for the effort but I guess being alive will do for now.  Next time you have a drink think of me and appreciate it that little bit more for me! I'm not at the stage where I'm going to dazzle you all with the evils of drink! But you never know maybe one day I'll reach those levels of self righteousness!

If you never try you'll never know just how far you could go

Shower yourself healthy

There are certain things everyone tries to avoid........drinking draino, eating green chicken, licking battery acid. But do you take any notice of what you are washing yourself and your family with in the shower, in the washing machine, in your mouths?
We grew up with certain things we weren't allowed, one notable one being fluoride. Fluoride free toothpaste and the "no fluoride" on the school dentist forms.
So I thought I could share a wee list of things I would like all of my family and friends to avoid, if you want to protect your health. It's fairly easy to substitute most of these things....

Use fluoride and SLS free toothpaste;fluroride is used in PESTICIDES and is more poisonous than lead, builds up in your kidneys, causes fluorosis, can damage your BRAIN causing damage and impairment to ecspecially the dveloping brain, impaired thyroid function, skeletal fluorosis.......need anymore effects???
SLS and SLES free; Lauryl Sulphate and Sodium Laureth Sulfate are used as foaming agents (surfactants), this sucker has about 180 other names as well, it's a dioxane.....known CARCINOGEN!!! OUr skin is our biggest organ and absorbs everything we put on it!! Would you rub battery acid on your skin? These babies cause skin irritation, hormone imbalances, eye irritation and formationdeformities, cancer causing......enough reason to change to natural soaps and cleaners?? It doesn't need to cost you more either!! Natural cleaning products are FAR cheaper and you can make your own laundry powder for a fraction of the cost
Aluminium free;  this includes deodorant AND cooking utensils; alzheimer's!! It's a nasty metal that gets all up in that brain of ours! And messes with your wiring, fun fun hey. It has not beneficial function to living cells (so a great idea to rub that on your armpits everyday). It crosses the blood brain barrier and is now linked to breast cancer......and if you have read my previous blog it can be a bitch to find a good alluminium free one, I have tried so many in my life (especially during the last 12 months!!) but going on my latest friendly deodorant the mineral crystal ones are a winner!!
Aspartame;artificial sweetener, it has over 90 identified different health side effects......effects your eyes, ears, brain, psychological being, chest (blood pressure, shortness breath), gastro problems, skin and allergies, metabolic changes.......can CAUSE/mimic/trigger: Chronic fatigue, epstein-barr, grave's disease, MS, alzheimers; epilespy, lupus, fibromyalgia; non-hodgkins lymphoma, ADD........is this not enough reason to BAN 'sugar free' in our households?? If you don't want to get 'fat' from drinking soft drink, don't drink it! It's bad enough in it's "normal" form far less in "sugar free/diet"  There is SO much more but I think this wee list is enough for anyone to start with.......I can't think of any reason I would want my family ingesting any of these products. SO do yourself and your children a favour and try to AVOID things that can harm you.

I used to avoid everything like this, and then over the last few years for one reason or another I did lose sight of what was important and cost and convenience did play a factor, but our health has no price, so I am now putting my foot back down in my household and standing by the things I had always believed in. I think being with someone who had a very different upbringing and views on health etc made me to relaxed about the danger fed to us each day. So I am reclaiming my position as QUEEN of the household, and unfortunately it's got to be my way now or no way! Otherwise I may as well feed the family rat bait for dinner with a side of anthrax and fresh roundup.

SO today I had a special treat, it is coming up to 12months since this C bomb was dropped, so my mother unit, my sister and my brother in law organised for me to have a special hands on experience here at the Perth zoo with the organg-utans!! I was the only one on the tour so I got to throw them apples and learn about their different personalities and the hierarchy......and then I got to go and feed one of the girls and her baby some grapes!!! And the baby was holding onto my arm!! SO cute and so clever!! So IN LOVE!!

Sometimes I miss you, and then I remind myself why I lost you.