Telling times.....

I had my appointment with the neurosurgeons last week and they decided it's scan time again......so I'm booked in, 4th October....plenty of time to prepare.

Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago if I get scared when I need go for my scans, and that answer is 'yes'.  I'm not scared OF the scan, I'm scared of the outcome.  Yes I feel good.  Yes I don't think I will die.  Yes everyone tells me I'll be fine.  But I also know the reality of it, and I'm not sure whether it's best to keep positive and if it's easier to expect the worst......

This scan I will have to believe, I've been to Radiowaves for three lots of treatment and have been drinking juice and spending hours a day having enemas, so I know that I am trying my best.  Just hoping my best is good enough.  And It's because I am feeling so good and trying so hard that swallowing results that are anything less then super will be hard.  But in the chance that happens I guess I'll just do what I've done for over 17months now, have a mini breakdown and take a deep breath and drink some more juice.  Because I just need to keep reminding myself that no option was going to be easy.  I could go with the oncologists who told be point plank they couldn't cure me, or I could go on another path that actually have me hope of curing myself.  I choose to try to cure myself, and I think I am better for it.  I've kept working, I've felt GOOD (not just fine) and my life has not had to suffer, re-adjust maybe but not suffer.

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong", I don't think I am strong, but I don't think I've chosen to be miserable either. 

So I have a month to keep loading myself with cancer killing potions.  I'll keep drinking my juice, shoving a litre of coffee up my colon and drinking flax oil, because at this stage it's not pointless, it's my life raft.

This week I have other issues.....I broke with middle toe!  Seriously, who breaks their middle toe kicking the bed on the way past?  I was pointing out the wrong way, that sort of broken.  So gym is interesting.....seeing as it's been making me feel so good I want to keep going....although it seems you need you toe for quite a bit, so I basically look quite uncoordinated (which is maybe not out of the ordinary).  So I am hindered by a stupid broken toe, 'having' cancer doesn't stop me from doing things but a stupid broken toe does. 

So when my scan is back I'll either be proud of myself, or disappointed.  And if I'm disappointed there are so many decisions I'd need to make.  If they thought surgery was an option we would have to weigh that up, as they is believe that getting in there and removing cells etc stirs it up and makes it grow faster, plus the area is still in the speech part of the brain.  And yes I'm sure some people would love me not to talk, but its all apparently in the area that helps you think in words as well.  My goodness it was be so much easier to not have the option of negative news, then I could just keep living life like I am now!!

Anyhow I can't do more than I am right now, so I guess I'll just try to stay positive and appreciate everyday that is lived.