ANOTHER 365 days on!!

Sorry for ANOTHER anniversary post, how boring I KNOW

So yesterday marked another "year since" passed by me yesterday. One year since THE operation. One year since I thought the worst was OVER!! One year since I got Wheeled into surgery, remembering my tongue bar at the last minute!! Telling the anesthetist not to put a catheter in "just to but a bucket under me".  Telling the Drs not to cut all my hair off!
Then waking up! Was BAD I couldn't talk, I wanted to spew, my head felt like cement, I was hot and sweating, I couldn't move my legs!! Brain surgery you're a bitch from hell!!! I prefer to re live my 9'6" son busting his way out of my vagina any day!!!
Tried telling a nurse you're going to spew when you can't talk?! Tried to act all fine when the surgeons come to check on you!? I must of looked like a tard, I swear I was probably drooling!
Shoot me up with something so
I don't spew!!! Yep that worked......oh no a bit more please!!
Pain killers??? Yes please it hurts! I want to cry.....

Off to ICU, excellent.......uncomfortable, take my vitals every 30-1hr, pain killers, can't talk properly!!!! Noise, lights, this is not working for me!!!! finally some visitors allowed in to see I am alive!! Don't know if I could talk? John? Sara? I think I tried.
My head hurts, my legs are uncomfortable and hot!! Stupid pressure stockings and plastic breathing balloons over them!!
Bloody catheter!!!
Aaarrrggghhh there's a tube coming from my head going into a bag hanging next to me! Great a brain fluid handbag!!!!!
Lovely nurse takes pity on me and give me a quick sponge bath, so hot.
I live through the VERY long night!!! Apparently during which panadol was deemed a strong enough pain killer?!
Nurse change over, she is awesome!!! Because? She takes out the catheter even though bloody Drs think leave it!!! Plus she let's me get up and walk and have a shower!!!!!! Bliss!! I look a fright!! Crazy head ware! Juggle  Trendy sack of blood handbag and drip.....but I'm clean! And hungry!!!!!!


Ok so I thought it was over.........

So the next chapter is about to start! Two weeks and I should be a fully fledged full time gerson devotee!!  I've been reading and re-reading over my new timetable etc.......by jingos! I'm excited but anxious!!! Still more supplements to organise but this will all happen. Another fridge to source, but that's easy.  Trying to think how I can make money from home to support my expensive organic requirements, not so easy! So far my top two ideas are being a drug dealer or running a brothel.......apparently not really legal??? I am determined that I will be able to work 12hours to cover boys pre school, just need to find some other magic money.......today I thought I could make nice quilt covers?? Blinds?? Yep I think being a drug dealer is easier.

So I spent my anniversary taking boy to swimming, cleaning, cooking, then going to work. I love that my life is normal!! And I wouldn't want it to be anything but!

Started reading a book today and it stated something so simple "we project our self criticism onto others", which is very true and something I really need to try and be mindful of!
Also "stop blaming anyone or anything for your situation", this I think is so powerful. People don't MAKE me angry, I get angry as a reaction, something or someone didn't make me sick, I got sick because my body could not cope with how it was being treated.

Anyhow, my mind is a mess and rambling!! You'd think surgery was 12 hours ago not 12 months!!  Need to find some balance....

To my fellow captain ;-) "in time this will all pass, and we will toast you all with fresh kale and wheatgrass juice, because we want to"

Flying

Back to reality we head.  Scared. Unsure. Nervous. Skeptical. Excited. Worried. Anxious. Happy. Stressed.
So much to organise and to organise, in not only my head but my house! 
Prepare for less money, less time, less interaction, less freedom.  More commitment, determination, optimism, gratitude, support, juices, enemas. 
How is my body going to react physically, how is my mind going to react......how is everyone else going to survive/understand the emotions? What if they think I'm a lunatic having a tantrum? will I have the support there?  Should I concentrate on enhancing the calm, bottling it all in.  Shut your mouth Margaret, swallow the problem and move on.

I'm only guessing how different life will be, so give me some time to adjust and I'll tell you how much easier/harder it has gotten.
More stress already added to the pot before the hard part has even begun! Swallow it down and move on Margaret.......

Keeping on track of the worst part of my day being fickle......my skin has gone absolutely crazy from treatment!!! And it's two weeks until my friends engagement party! I have a strapless dress to wear!!! With a cardigan now it would seem, as pointed out by my mother!! So life is pretty good, I'm annoyed with crappy skin! But me having crappy skin won't ruin her night or mean there's any less love in that room. Me having crappy skin won't make me have a bad night.  
So I'm happy that my biggest issue today is something as petty as crappy skin, because even with my crappy skin my plane will land, my son will be happy to see his father, my over weight bag will be unpacked, my bed will be warm, my house safe, my too many possessions will be there waiting, my little life on my island will remain fairly simple. Safe. Not ripped apart by war or famine.  Not shaken to the earth by earthquakes, not swallowed up by the ocean.  So to crappy skin I say thank you for giving me the worst part of my day because the rest of it is pretty good from where I sit.

So I fly towards the next of my journey and I can't predict what it's going to bring but I hope i learn some grace, gratitude, compassion and composure! And I cross my fingers I'm not too hard to deal with, but I guess only time will tell. 

Danger in feeling "fine"?

Somedays it's crap to be a "cancer patient" because I don't feel sick. I don't look sick. I guess a lot if the time I don't believe I'm sick. Which is good!! It means that, usually, I don't feel too sorry for myself.  But it makes me think, is this dangerous? Like I'm letting my guard down to an invisible army waiting to burn down my village and steal all my corn.

I feel the same I've always felt, apart from some headaches but that's life when you get it cracked open and fiddled with, I wonder.....do I really have cancer? If I was letting them poison me with radiation and chemotherapy then I'd KNOW I was sick! I feel like I was! And I'd probably look like I was.  But I don't want that! I don't want to gamble my memory, glands and cognitive functions with radiation that will probably result in cancer later in life and probably won't stop the "the perfect cancer".  I don't want to gamble my immune system and general health on being a guinea pig in a chemotherapy trial! They've said, it will come back no matter what, worse. These guys aren't very good salesman!!
"the perfect cancer" because it's up there, romping around like it owns the place with no rules.  But here is the GOOD thing, brain cancer doesn't travel to your other organs like other cancers, yay.  But maybe that's because there is already enough vital operations happening upstairs (though I wonder with me at times)......apparently it grows and starts to damage things. Squishes them. Damages nerves. Fits. Strokes. Hhhhhmmmmm answer........work on not letting it grow!!!

Alkalinity.........if your body is alkaline cancer can not exist.  So this is the basic mission I'm on!!! In a nut shell!

So I don't feel "sick" and I hope I never do!!! My path may make me very anti social but I'll feel good while being locked in my house drinking juice and doing enemas! Learning to just be.  And thinking myself healthy.  So each day we feel fine is not a wasted day!  Some people don't have the luxury of feeling fine and moaning about traffic and their jobs.
So I hope my biggest worry each day is whether my bum looks big in my shorts because that's a good day!!

Be present in the moment and that moment is a present 

Poor me day.......

This was my day yesterday.  And I hate it.

It didn't start off like this, but it sure did end up like this!!
Treatment is hard this week, the intensity has been turned up and it's making me tireder than usual. Add that on top of already feeling emotional and exhausted from everything else and I'm not in a happy place.

The cell was hard yesterday as I had silence, as the nurse was a twit and had my music turned down so I couldn't gage how long I had to go in there.  My visualisation for the day was the world REGRESSION, picturing the day that the Dr has to tell me there has been disease regression.  I didn't realise it was just going to turn into my life regressing!  As usual outside factors are my fault!  Obviously I'm not supportive enough, don't try hard enough.  Why the hell try so bloody hard to please everyone when I'm so far off base it's ridiculous.  Regressing to when I'm always wring, even though it's not my interests I have at heart!  When my efforts have absolutely no benefit for me!
Maybe I expect too much from everyone, yet give so little myself.

When do you give up and realise you have failed?  When do you stop fighting to keep the wheels turning when they have probably already fallen off?  I am stubborn and usually don't like to admit failure but maybe I need to start identifying when I can't win.

So today I start my day feeling like a failure and a waste of space.  And I want cheese!  I wish I could have cheese.  And I'm sorry to anyone who I don't please all of the time.  Sorry for the poor me whinge today, I hate to write it and I'm sure a pain to read.  My problems I know are trivial to most!  But jeepers my goat is up today and I wish I could put it into words and spew them out and be free of the virus of self pity.

So 3 days and 87minutes to go in the cell.  Off I go.  To dream of cheese.  I wonder if I'm allowed music today!

If you can take the worst moment out of your day and turn it into a lesson maybe it was worth it

Another year on

So I wake up today and it's been one year since the bomb was dropped......usually I do this blogging at the end of my day but today I'm getting it out of my way.
So it's been a year since my life and my family's has been turned on it's head.  I think it's changed us all in some way, some of us have become closer, some more understanding of one another, whilst some of us still don't grasp how important family is.......but that's another whinge!!

So one year ago I went to bed with J and X snoring on the couch, normal.  To be woken in the early hours by a frantic J, telling me to stay still (on the floor) and an ambulance was coming.....what the?!  I needed to pee, but he was like no stay still, NO i needed to pee......
He looked really quite terrified, I hope I never see him like that again.  I came back in and sat on the bed and then I started to freak out as I had NO idea what was going on, and he was telling me I had a fit.  I started to freak out a little then as I knew nothing!!  Anyhow the ambulance came and John told them what had happened and they bundled me up and took me away, they did ask if I had wet myself!  NO NO phew as I would of been embarrassed!!  So they bundled me off on my first ambulance ride and J was going to follow with X......
On the way the paramedic was lovely, asking what I remembered etc it was then in the ambulance I remembered being in bed and "the fit" it was scary and I was trying to call out to J but my voice would not work and I was trying to move but my body was doing it's own crazy dance.......and then that's all I remember.....
My elbow that I had a pin put in at Christmas time was ACHING!!
The paramedic asked a few other questions, and then I remembered my weekend two weeks previous........my good friends fathers 50th where I, in usual booze hag mode, had annihilated myself with his encouragement of getting us all to do shots!!  We were all a mess!!  I broke my dress, a mosquito lamp and possibly my nose!!  I had fallen FLAT on my face in the dark!  How much simpler life would be if the seizure had just been from that!!! 
It never crossed my mind it could be something more sinister, was thinking maybe hemorrhage from the drunken antics or epilepsy.........did not think the lovely little English Dr would come in and say they had found a substantial "lesion" on my brain......what the heck is a bloody brain lesion?!  So in that moment our lives changed.......

I was shifted to a ward, this was shit, surely a bad dream.
Then they sent off my scans to the "neuro gods" at RBH where they looked at them.......and it was then they decided it was a low grade benign tumour, with it's clear lines blah blah blah, we know how that story ended!!  But this was the beginning.......
So we thought, ok this is bad but it could be WORSE!
I was then shifted in to RBH, another ambulance ride!!  Where I went through MORE MRI's and tests, and told AGAIN and AGAIN how it was a low grade benign tumour and should be fine after surgery........
SO I was trapped in hospital, BORED!!!  Thank god for angry birds on the iPhone!  Mum drove in everyday!!  Big effort in the dodgy frustrating Brisbane traffic!!  I had two of my friends make trips from hours away to see me, true friends.
So here I sat being prodded and poked and dosed with anti seizure pills and steroids for a week waiting for them to decide when to operate........I did get released for one of my best friends weddings the day before surgery!! (that's what you get when you suck up the nurses bums!!) Though I did need to attend with these funky stickers on my head that were required for surgery in the morning, so needed to wear a scarf!  Story to those photos.
So on the Monday morning I was up early, and hooked up to the stupid drip and the wait began..........wheeled off to surgery, checked on by the good hot Dr, made me feel good knowing he would see me, passed out, head cracked opened!!  Was NOT impressed I needed a catheter, I told them to just put a bucket under me.......apparently this is not in hospital guidelines!  And then I was out........
Waking up was BAD I felt like I was going to spew, so they injected me, I was hot, I was sore, I couldn't TALK!! (Freaked me out as the tumour was near my speech centre and at the time this was the biggest worry)..........never again I thought!
They eventually took me to ICU, another place you don't want to be!! I was sweating and sore and uncomfortable.  My head was all bandaged up and I had a drain coming out of it, my blood handbag.  They eventually let J and S (basically my sister) in to see me, not sure I made any sense to them but it  was good to see their friendly faces.  So in ICU I stayed for the night, hot and monitored all night, not sleep.......never again I thought!!
The nurse the next day was an angel!! Because she took the catheter out even though the Dr wanted in left in!  And then she let me shower!!  My god I looked a site, with my head gear and blood handbag! 
Things they could of told me though; you will have a sore head (not from cracking it open) from where we are going to CLAMP your head down so you can't move,and you are going to have an incredibly sore back!  As we are going to divert all of the fluids that usually go up your spine and they will settle on the base of your spine.  Thanks for the heads up.  NOT.

So I survived!!  And they told me how it was "textbook" and couldn't of gone better..........we all know how that ends but that's for another day.
I managed to con the nurses, again, into letting me out for Easter!!  Oh how I wish I didn't need to go back for the news they wanted to tell me.

So here I sit, one year on, still alive, still fighting.  Reminding myself how WRONG they were once and will be again.
One year on since my life changed, maybe it's been for the better?  It surely is a gift in the shittiest wrapping paper this cancer, it's made me try harder to love, harder to forgive, harder to achieve, harder to appreciate, harder to live.
So thanks for everyone who got thrown into the passenger seat of the crazy cancer train with me!!  Your tickets are non refundable as you're stuck with me!!  And next year at the 2 year mark I'm sure there will be bigger and better stories........and to cancer I say bite me.

The only thing better than sleep is knowing you're going to wake up

365 days.......where's my badge?

Letting go.....
So today marks 1 year sober, which as I wasn't an actual alcoholic maybe doesn't mark as big of an achievement as it may have! But I did like to drink! And I liked me better with a drink!! I thought I was mucho more amusing! And probably that you all were too!! I thought I liked dancing and being outgoing! Well for 365 days now I have been considerably less amusing, interesting and fun! But I am alive so I think I'd "rather be sober and alive than drunk and dead".........
Up until the last scan incident I think I really thought, "yep I'm going to do this, I'm going to beat it and by 2012 I'll be Margaret again" well it seems I've got to reevaluate this!! I knew that, obviousl,y I would never be able to live the same way again, as evidently something was NOT working with that path! But I did think, yep I'll get to drink at my best friends wedding! And I won't have to get married sober!! SAD FACE the "two year plan" is starting again in April 2011 and even after that I may never get to skull like a bogan from a bottle of oyster bay (thanks Jem! Circa my sons 2nd birthday)!! I may never get to "reclaim" granite from peoples gardens as you "can't own a rock" and dump it on my brothers bedroom floor at 3am proudly awaking him to his present, and I may never actually have any excuse to sit on the floor in front of my parents fridge eating what I thought was the worst pea and ham soup my mother had ever made with my fingers, turns out it was steak and kidney.  So now I'll be sober. And boring. But alive.
With this new found constant state of designated driverdom my family are thrilled!!! As they know they'll all get home!! Also probably just as thrilled I'm not out embarrassing them!
This sober Sally routine also does result in certain things for me to be thankful for:
1. I'll never swim half naked in front of half a rugby team again
2. I'll never swim in a stanthorpe creek again in the middle of winter
3. I'll never swim at south bank in my underwear at daybreak again
4. I'll never swim at night in wynnum resulting in infected oyster shell cuts
(seems I was not only silly and dangerous drunk I was also under some illusion I was a seal!)
5. I'll never spend a day spewing from alcohol poisoning until 5pm
6. I'll never wake up worried who I may of offended the night before.

So maybe being sober will work???
I'd much rather be dancing and climbing palm trees, badly, but for now I'll just sit and drink my juice and watch everyone else for a change and life vicariously through them. Even though I'm considerably more boring, hopefully I will have a lot more time being boring than I would being loud and boozed!!

It's probably not a big thing to most, but anyone who knows me will agree I'm sure that I was more fun drunk!!!! Not everyday, but I'm sure I'd brighten up your party!!

So time to move on and work out how to like me. Like me sober......
Unless we get through the next two year plan without my miracle, then I tell you what you probably won't want me at your party! I'll be a maniac, luckily failure isn't an option so sober Sally it is!!

So today I celebrate letting go of my friend the drink!! I'm pretty sure I should get a badge for the effort but I guess being alive will do for now.  Next time you have a drink think of me and appreciate it that little bit more for me! I'm not at the stage where I'm going to dazzle you all with the evils of drink! But you never know maybe one day I'll reach those levels of self righteousness!

If you never try you'll never know just how far you could go

Shower yourself healthy

There are certain things everyone tries to avoid........drinking draino, eating green chicken, licking battery acid. But do you take any notice of what you are washing yourself and your family with in the shower, in the washing machine, in your mouths?
We grew up with certain things we weren't allowed, one notable one being fluoride. Fluoride free toothpaste and the "no fluoride" on the school dentist forms.
So I thought I could share a wee list of things I would like all of my family and friends to avoid, if you want to protect your health. It's fairly easy to substitute most of these things....

Use fluoride and SLS free toothpaste;fluroride is used in PESTICIDES and is more poisonous than lead, builds up in your kidneys, causes fluorosis, can damage your BRAIN causing damage and impairment to ecspecially the dveloping brain, impaired thyroid function, skeletal fluorosis.......need anymore effects???
SLS and SLES free; Lauryl Sulphate and Sodium Laureth Sulfate are used as foaming agents (surfactants), this sucker has about 180 other names as well, it's a dioxane.....known CARCINOGEN!!! OUr skin is our biggest organ and absorbs everything we put on it!! Would you rub battery acid on your skin? These babies cause skin irritation, hormone imbalances, eye irritation and formationdeformities, cancer causing......enough reason to change to natural soaps and cleaners?? It doesn't need to cost you more either!! Natural cleaning products are FAR cheaper and you can make your own laundry powder for a fraction of the cost
Aluminium free;  this includes deodorant AND cooking utensils; alzheimer's!! It's a nasty metal that gets all up in that brain of ours! And messes with your wiring, fun fun hey. It has not beneficial function to living cells (so a great idea to rub that on your armpits everyday). It crosses the blood brain barrier and is now linked to breast cancer......and if you have read my previous blog it can be a bitch to find a good alluminium free one, I have tried so many in my life (especially during the last 12 months!!) but going on my latest friendly deodorant the mineral crystal ones are a winner!!
Aspartame;artificial sweetener, it has over 90 identified different health side effects......effects your eyes, ears, brain, psychological being, chest (blood pressure, shortness breath), gastro problems, skin and allergies, metabolic changes.......can CAUSE/mimic/trigger: Chronic fatigue, epstein-barr, grave's disease, MS, alzheimers; epilespy, lupus, fibromyalgia; non-hodgkins lymphoma, ADD........is this not enough reason to BAN 'sugar free' in our households?? If you don't want to get 'fat' from drinking soft drink, don't drink it! It's bad enough in it's "normal" form far less in "sugar free/diet"  There is SO much more but I think this wee list is enough for anyone to start with.......I can't think of any reason I would want my family ingesting any of these products. SO do yourself and your children a favour and try to AVOID things that can harm you.

I used to avoid everything like this, and then over the last few years for one reason or another I did lose sight of what was important and cost and convenience did play a factor, but our health has no price, so I am now putting my foot back down in my household and standing by the things I had always believed in. I think being with someone who had a very different upbringing and views on health etc made me to relaxed about the danger fed to us each day. So I am reclaiming my position as QUEEN of the household, and unfortunately it's got to be my way now or no way! Otherwise I may as well feed the family rat bait for dinner with a side of anthrax and fresh roundup.

SO today I had a special treat, it is coming up to 12months since this C bomb was dropped, so my mother unit, my sister and my brother in law organised for me to have a special hands on experience here at the Perth zoo with the organg-utans!! I was the only one on the tour so I got to throw them apples and learn about their different personalities and the hierarchy......and then I got to go and feed one of the girls and her baby some grapes!!! And the baby was holding onto my arm!! SO cute and so clever!! So IN LOVE!!

Sometimes I miss you, and then I remind myself why I lost you.

Hero's

I was thinking today about who I class as my "hero's", and I can't come up with any obscure self help gurus or people who have overcome great adversities as my hero's are everyday people.
My list at present includes;
My dad, yes I know every girl's dad is her hero, but my dad really is.  He has lived and breathed organic farming his whole life.  He has more knowledge is one pinkie than most people I know.  He is well read and clever!  Plus he has a mad sense of humour!! There is never a dull moment with that man around.  He is kind and not worried by material things, he has always just done with what he has gotten but provided the world for his family.  He believes in me and in my journey to wellness.  I don't think my dad has ever said he loved us to any of us, our family is not really the emotion sharing centre, but I know he does and actions speak louder than any words.  I wish I could be half as smart as this man.  I respect him and I love him and I'm proud that I get to call him my father.
My mother; for obvious aformentioned reasons.  She is sometimes a wee bit mad!! But she gives everything to all of her children.  She has put up with a lot from all of us, sometimes not so silently.  But we all know what she does for us, even if she thinks it goes unnoticed.  She gave up the life she knew to move to the farm with my dad, which we all know she doesn't like!! But she is there and lives it each day and has been through all of the shit times, hopefully one day it will get easier for them!! Droughts, floods, hail, they've had it all.  Bloody mother nature can be a bitch sometimes.
Kathryn Alexander; http://www.kathrynalexander.com.au/; she is my naturopath, my Gerson's practitioner, she believes in me!  And I believe in her.  Her knowledge is unmatched and I truly trust this woman with my life!!  SO thankful that people I used to work with directed me towards her. 
Boss/Friend "M"; this is woman is truly special!! She would have to be the most beautiful, kind woman I have ever met!! I wish I could be like her!  She has been through some hard hard times but still sees the light at the end of the tunnel when I'm sure others would have given up and taken "easier" paths.  I am truly thankful to have had such an inspiring, strong, beautiful woman delivered to my life.
Max Gerson; for obvious reasons, the work that this man did is amazing!! And is being continued by his daughter and other practioners, the world needs more people who stand strong by what they believe in.

Obviously I can think of more and maybe when I'm not so sleep deprived from steroids I will take 5 to write about them but that's enough for now, but tell me yours??  Do you have a hero?  Or are you someones hero??

I hope that one day I can be my son's hero.  That would be amazing!!

It takes more than a cape to be a superhero.  It takes a good theme song!!

The D Word

Today in 'the cell' I had time to contemplate certain things........ of course the D worth comes up more often in my brain than I would like.
DEATH.  And that shits me!!  Because it's inevitable for us all!! And right at this moment maybe there is something that increases an earlier death than me than most of you, BUT you could choke on a chicken bone tonight!! I get hit by a taxi in the morning!  So I need to STOP thinking of this D word and add more LIFE into each day.

So today I lay and thought of more positive D words.
Dancing; I used to like Dancing, especially when I was Drinking!
Desire; can be for a person/SHOES/health
Determination; to succeed at whatever it is we are trying to overcome, work/health/love/friendship
Diet; without a good diet we have no HEALTH, which will lead us towards that nasty other  D word.

So each day I have decided to add more LIFE into each day by reminding myself that I am no more, no less, likely to encounter the nasty D word than everyone else.
And each day I have decided to give myself permission to do certain things:
1. I give my body permission to be healthy
2. I give cancer permission to leave
3. I give myself permission to not view myself as a cancer patient
4. I give myself permission to see the light side of things
5. I give myself permission to be angry, for a short period, and then breathe in and move on

I think people with bad health are given a raw deal by the medical profession, especially when they start handing out their numbers!!  I have met people who have been given these numbers and BELIEVE that they are going to die within that time!! They are creating a world full of self fulfilling prophecies!  How dare they sit and tell people they are going to die within a year!! Especially after you have filled them so full of shit they probably feel like they are living dead.
SO to the dr's numbers I say jam it!! Some of you thought I'd be dead with 15months and guess what!  I'm not yet!! And don't plan on being, being I have given myself permission to live, and live each day on my terms.  I had a good neurosurgeon whilst going through the operation etc, (HOT DR), anyhow he was LOVELY and not like a machine!!  The only one who actually sat down and was like "has anyone told you how the operation went" NO they just came on their rounds and gave their reviews to students as I was good for training!! SO he told me.  And then after the C word was dropped he took the time to come in and sit with him, and he said "Don't ever believe any numbers anyone tells you!  My brother had something like yours at 19 and he just turned 50.  SO don't believe the numbers" whether his brother really had a tumour I guess I'll ever know, but it's good to feel like someone is sitting in your corner.  So thank you hot dr!!
SO I try to only see hot dr's now ;-) (as it turns out my GP is a legend!!! Just writes up my blood request forms whenever I ask, and the look on his face when I said they wanted me to go on trial chemo drugs told me NO DON'T! and he thinks that doing gerson's is a great idea!!  and he is a mainstream dr!)

So when you step out tomorrow, watch out for taxi's!! Chew your chicken carefully!! And give yourself permission to be healthy each day!  And strive to be more than you were yesterday.

My body is my temple and I will learn to worship it with gratitude and treat it with love

The B O of it all

SO this may be a distastful subject, but hell my life is full of strange things these days!
So this natural living does have it's downsides.......
You are quite antisocial, can't eat out many places, can't eat at friends places.
You get stressed with trying to make vegetables interesting!
You need to find GOOD quality natural beauty products........
I HATE BO!!! I hate in on other people! And HATE in on me!
I must of been through about 10 different "natural" "organic" "aluminium free" deodorants in the last 12 months!  It's good for everyone to avoid aluminium anyhow (and I used to try to BUT the BO!!!!), as no living systems use aluminium as part of a biochemical process. It has a tendency to accumulate in the brain and bones!!! Great!! Linked to cancer, ADHD, alzhiemers....list goes on, it's bad shit!! Dr google will even tell you that!!

So this stinky quest has been getting my goat up!! You would like that as I don't eat any sugar, salt, animal products, fat, etc etc that I would be 1. SKINNY and 2. NOT STINKY!!  Well I've been jibbeed!!  And it seems that the last 6 weeks it's been getting out of control! And now add in the ROIDS!! Bloody hell, can I win?!

So yesterday I went on a new search!!  Found a great shop, bucket loads of deordorant......but reading the great labels doesn't mean it's going to be a winner for me........crystals, gels, sprays, roll ons........what will work!!
THis time around I selected a mineral essences roll on in pomegranate, and he have got through our first day as FRIENDS!  I am happier today with the pits!!  Small victories these days make me smile!  So I may now have won my war against the BO but I am armed now with a new magic roll on that will hoepfully keep working for me and keeping me less offensive!!

So the next challenge, some good new organic make up, SO much out there though I am not sure the bank account will agree with some of them!!

So that's me for today, slightly less stinky but with a bigger smile on my face!!

Do yourself a favour and try going and buy yourself a deodorant that will not harm you, but will keep you smelling sweet :-) 
And if you ever do smell me and you think "that's a bit off" TELL me!!!


Sometimes ' loving with half your heart is like eating a banana with it's skin on'

Irrational roid rage ?

There are certain sides effects I know taking these steroids cause (other than helping my brain not to swell out of my ears and nose), such as
1. I'm always hungry!!! So lucky I'm a bloody vegan and am not allowed to eat anything indulgent!
2. I get cranky!! I try to not snap and enhance the calm but I don't think it's the roids that get my goat up when people lie to me! Drs lie to me, I don't need people I love lying to me and justifying it as if it's ok and my fault?!
Call me a control freak, whatever, but when there is so much you can't control in your life you try to control what you can! Makes it hard to keep calm when people make you feel like you're a lunatic!! 
Tumours are apparently caused by holding on to things, grudges etc, so I do make an effort these days to move past things and let things go, but it's bloody hard when no one seems to notice this effort you're making and don't try and do the same!! 
And I know people think they're helping by going "you'll be ok" but no one has ever even dr googled what's going on with me, because maybe you wouldn't be so dismissive to the enormity of shitness I live each day! Whilst trying to operate normally and live like there's nothing wrong keeping everyone happy, which seemingly I fail at!

Have been on an adventure with my traveling partners here in the west this weekend, have travelled out into the wheat belt and seen "wave rock" and a cave. Interesting places as not something everyone does.  But note to self, after seeing the mother unit experience a hamburger from the coorigin servo, don't order a hamburger from the hot box! Involves $9, a microwave and 24hours of heart burn!! Amusing to me maybe not so much her!!

The midget and I both managed to fall like unco cows on our little walk in the bush this morning! Both "broke legs" apparently he told me, needed a band aid and we were fine to get on with the day!!

So we are whizzing back along some long repetitive roads towards Perth, and hungry!!!!!! Not so grumpy at the moment, but if I don't score a banana and spinach smoothie (my drug) this afternoon I'll be irate!

So with that ramble done, tell me how I can be interesting? I find myself boring!

So like John Lennon I'll just keep reminding myself "that everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end"

Duty to Disclose

After yesterdays novice virgin blog I received lovely comments, thanks, but I do feel the duty to inform you I really don't think I'm that inspirational etc, I think you would all be the same.  It's only when hope is taken away that you realise that you need to create it yourself, and find things that can feed that hope.

Some days I am not positive and I'm angry!  Some days I get sad and want to scream!!  And I wish that there was someone to blame or hate for this, but sadly it's my body that has let me down.

Usually when I used to feel shitty I could have a drink!! Some lovely sparkles!  A vodka! Anything.......apparently those days are gone and now I can reach for some distilled water, with lemon if I'm feeling jazzy.  Or a juice.......juice, juice and more juice!!  I hate washing my juicer!!

After my last scan, not the perfect outcome, I needed to reevaluate my approach and this is when I decided full time with the gersons and my lovely boss discovered an amazing girl my age not 1.5 hours up the road for me on her own gersons journey.  She has even travelled to the Gersons clinic in Mexico and has amazing knowledge.  The discovery of her cemented my commitment to this new journey, as it's a real life person living this journey and if you haven't seen her blog go and look http://www.thewellnesswarrior.blogspot.com/

Things I never thought I'd be:
A vegan!
A teetotaller!
A "cancer patient" (still don't really think I am)
An enema advocate!
A grown up (one day at a time but surely one day I will be)!

How things change!!

So I am off for more treatment today, another spew no doubt, then into the city for a nosey around.  13 more sessions in the "cell" and I'm done again and off home to start on the new path. Need a new fridge to store my 20kg of carrots a week in! The mind boggles.

I'll try and think of how I can be interesting...........

Until then "my life is a journey that is the greatest adventure with you by my side"

Blogging ???

I created this blog over one year ago I am guessing by it's description......before my life changed! 
Have never blogged before as I think "who would care" "I have nothing interesting to say", nothing has changed hahaha but I think I want to talk to myself.

My life so far I have condensed into dates, dates that make me who I am TODAY.
6th January 1985; I was born, in a dramatic fashion of course, kicked my the "waste bag" open and covered myself with my own shit from the womb!
29th April 2007; gave birth to my beautiful, crazy, mischief, lovable son Xavier-Joseph
20th March 2010; had my last alcoholic beverage :-( (I swear I am much more interesting drunk!!), had a seizure, the "tumour" was found.
29th March 2010; the (supposed benign) tumour was evicted.
7th April 2010; the C-bomb was dropped on me, NOT bengin Stage III Oliodrendroglioma (nasty bastard that's not got a good reputation, like most brain tumours)

What was offered:
Radiation; may help to "extent" survival to 5 years, but no chance of cure, short term memory loss, damage to glands, hair loss, increased risk of other cancers, communciation issues.
Chemo; TRIAL drugs as it is identified as being a tumour unresponsive to chemo, but hey we would like to try on you!  Poison you and wreck your immunity, make you feel ike shit and lower your quality of life....

NO CURE.......

I don't like these options, so time to look elsewhere, sink or swim........

Of course I want QUANITY in my life, but I also need QUALITY!  Why can't I kill this cancer??  Or at least manage it so that I can LIVE.

What we found:
Gersons therapy; I have been doing a modified version of this since May 2010, as I wanted to try and maintain a life and work to provide for my family.........April 2011 will see me stop working full time and embark on full time gersons therapy (maybe should of gone the whole hog from the start).....I'm not gersons expert, but in a nutshell it's going to be me on a hard core strict dietary healing adventure for the next 2 years, constantly detoxing and pumping my body full of fresh organic juices (13 a day), raw foods, not animal products, coffee enemas, castor oil, supplements and enzymes.  Reset my body, get the oxygen back into the blood, alkalinity restored, make it impossible for cancer to survive!!  This is my wish.
Radiowave therapy; in a nushell; Dr Holt's theory that cancer needs to sugar to grow, so block the body from taking up sugar and treat with radiowaves (lower on the spectrum than microwaves) which encourages cells to grow, but no sugar = starve!!  Hopefuly.  Here on my third treatment trip now, and will see in the anniversary of the start of this journey in treatment.  Bitter sweet??  Have heard such amazing stories from other patients on all trips and it gives hope.  And that's what I need, we all need.

Who lets me do this....
Parents;
My dad; with his healthy dose of conspiracy theories and background in organic farming, much prefers to see his daughter treated with things that makes sense to him.  And provides me with different suggestions all the time, even suggesting eaating dirt....
My mother; gives everything to all of her children and has had to sell all body organs to bring me to Perth for treastment.  My travelling companion, shopping buddy and she tastes all of the alcohol over here for me, selfless!
My partner; works 70+ hours a week to provide for us and still comes home to put up with me; my craziness, my mood swings and my shitty news, still manages to say that he loves me each day.
My sisters and brother; there supporting me always, my youngest sister lives with me and plays a big part in helping care from my son, his second mother.
Friends; I am definately gifted with QUALITY in that department!!  Whether they have been in my life for 23 years or 1 year I have been sent some of the most amazing people to share my journey through life with.  They support every crazy idea I have and never lose hope in my victory.  I just hope they know how special each one is to me, and each brings me something different and injects light and laughter into my days!
My bosses; I truly have been blessed with supportive bosses!!  They have worked around me and supported me during all of the treatments, Dr's appointments, time off and crazy ideas, when most bosses would say enough is enough.  One inparticular has enriched my life so much and lets me share my crazy and sometimes gross stories with her!
My son; obviously is still my reason for everything.  For believing in a cure and in being there for him.
My stepdaughter; a girl that has been through enough, and well if I'm not here to motivate her father to motivate her, who will?? HAHAHA
My survival list:
1. I will see my son graduate from high school
2. I will dance with my son at his wedding
3. I will grow old and senile and pester young people
4. I will give birth to a daughter.
5. I will prove a point to the medical profession who don't believe in cures

Medicine is a business, a profit focused business, they are not here to save my life.

Anyhow maybe I will get a handle on this "blogging" business, even if I don't maybe it will supply me with some sanity?  Maybe to late for that??

Anyhow "my brain is perfectly healthy and my body is strong"