Yesterday was the funeral of a boy, (man now I guess) that I went to school with, who had sadly taken his own life, the news of this over a week ago started to bring back a lot of memories of when a very close friend had done the same thing over 9 years ago now. Why do people do this? Particularly our young men.
It made me remember the confusion about it all. Whenever you lose someone close to you there are the questions, why them? Why now? And there is the blame if there were other parties involved.
I think suicide makes the process worse. Because even with the anger at accidents/diseases etc we all know that it happens, unfortunately life is not permanent and we are not invincible, but when someone takes their own life you think "what didn't I see, what didn't I hear". Often then we look to blame someone for "making" them do it, the girl that broke their heart; the person that made them feel worthless, but the truth is they chose to do it. Something felt so bad within them that they saw no way out, they saw no light at the end of their tunnel. When the truth is that all sadness will eventually pass, or decrease, that all anger will dissipate and that happiness is possible again.
I don't understand why our young men get so full of hate/sadness/rage that they feel no other way out and see no solution. And sadly it's not until they are gone that the truth about how much love for them is seen. Someone once told me that prevented a male for taking his own life is a lot harderthan a girl, as girls think it through whereas boys think and do, there is only a brief window that is their to shake them awake.
I know that I have so many unanswered questions about my experience, and I don't think I will ever accept that he saw that as his only option. I have seen a family live through that pain, I have seen his friends and I have lived it. And sadly I too look for someone to blame, I hated the girl (don't even know her) who I was told made him feel like that. I hate that I do have that feeling about her, but I do. And I guess I also hate him for doing it, I don't hate him but I definitely hate that he did it because I saw the aftermath. So I feel for this boy that I went to school withs family, and I feel for his friends but the blame they have on the living will never change the end result.
We shouldn't, no matter how fitting we think it may be, allow ourselves to hate the living for the actions of those that decided to leave us.
In light of the last 14months of my life I have added emotions to people doing this, because I can't understand why they chose to end their healthy life when others fight to keep their not so healthy lives. I hate that they choose to let their families and friends live through a terrible loss that could of been avoided. I hate that they have no respect for the value of life, I know this is unfair of me and I know that at that moment these things didn't matter to them. But the rest of us are left missing someone, the rest of us are left fighting to live.
We will always wonder what we could of done, what we could of said, we will always curse them for not realising the love that was around them. I think we need to try and live each day making sure we do what we can, hear what they are saying to us and tell them the love that surrounds them so that they always realise that the light is there to be turned back on, they just need to let people walk through the dark tunnel with them to help find the switch.
I hope I never lose another friend like this, one was enough. This new years will be 10years since I started questioning "what could I have done? What didn't I do?"
No matter the darkness of today, tomorrow, next week, the light is not gone. It's just waiting for you to let it back in.
It made me remember the confusion about it all. Whenever you lose someone close to you there are the questions, why them? Why now? And there is the blame if there were other parties involved.
I think suicide makes the process worse. Because even with the anger at accidents/diseases etc we all know that it happens, unfortunately life is not permanent and we are not invincible, but when someone takes their own life you think "what didn't I see, what didn't I hear". Often then we look to blame someone for "making" them do it, the girl that broke their heart; the person that made them feel worthless, but the truth is they chose to do it. Something felt so bad within them that they saw no way out, they saw no light at the end of their tunnel. When the truth is that all sadness will eventually pass, or decrease, that all anger will dissipate and that happiness is possible again.
I don't understand why our young men get so full of hate/sadness/rage that they feel no other way out and see no solution. And sadly it's not until they are gone that the truth about how much love for them is seen. Someone once told me that prevented a male for taking his own life is a lot harderthan a girl, as girls think it through whereas boys think and do, there is only a brief window that is their to shake them awake.
I know that I have so many unanswered questions about my experience, and I don't think I will ever accept that he saw that as his only option. I have seen a family live through that pain, I have seen his friends and I have lived it. And sadly I too look for someone to blame, I hated the girl (don't even know her) who I was told made him feel like that. I hate that I do have that feeling about her, but I do. And I guess I also hate him for doing it, I don't hate him but I definitely hate that he did it because I saw the aftermath. So I feel for this boy that I went to school withs family, and I feel for his friends but the blame they have on the living will never change the end result.
We shouldn't, no matter how fitting we think it may be, allow ourselves to hate the living for the actions of those that decided to leave us.
In light of the last 14months of my life I have added emotions to people doing this, because I can't understand why they chose to end their healthy life when others fight to keep their not so healthy lives. I hate that they choose to let their families and friends live through a terrible loss that could of been avoided. I hate that they have no respect for the value of life, I know this is unfair of me and I know that at that moment these things didn't matter to them. But the rest of us are left missing someone, the rest of us are left fighting to live.
We will always wonder what we could of done, what we could of said, we will always curse them for not realising the love that was around them. I think we need to try and live each day making sure we do what we can, hear what they are saying to us and tell them the love that surrounds them so that they always realise that the light is there to be turned back on, they just need to let people walk through the dark tunnel with them to help find the switch.
I hope I never lose another friend like this, one was enough. This new years will be 10years since I started questioning "what could I have done? What didn't I do?"
No matter the darkness of today, tomorrow, next week, the light is not gone. It's just waiting for you to let it back in.
1 comment:
HUGS Marg...I can empathise with all you said and was thinking as I read down how it might make someone feel fighting to keep their life.
I lost 2 school mates (both guys), my brothers best mate who was like a brother to me, and our neighbours son who sadly left 5 little ones :(
It's so so sad that guys feel no other way out. It really is something that needs changing so it doesnt happen anymore!
Thinking of you xx
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