So I wrote and entry and it decided to disappear into nothing as if it didn't exist. I hate that!! I have an inability to rewrite.
So this week I am dragged back into the oncologists office, not by choice! I hate going there, but I need to go as this is the only way I can find out what the neurosurgeons have decided about my last scan. I hate the health system! You can't access your own medical history unless a Dr requests it or you go through the painful "legal" process, maybe it's just me they hate. So to find out whether they want to crack my skull open again I need to see the people who want to sign me up for the trial Chemo drugs. I hate them. They stress me out, upset me and make me doubt my choices. When really I should doubt anything, as what they have offered is nothing. So I am stressed and worried, as I don't want to go through it again. Plus I hazard a guess that it would be worse the second time around, added risks, plus I would know the hell I was going to go through when I woke up. Shitting myself I think the term is. Even though apparently I should not be! Days like today make me wonder......wonder if I can do this. Sometimes it seems like I'm destined to fall on my face, sometimes it feels like I'm a rickety old ship alone in the storm and I wonder why I am trying to do this. I hate that feeling because I don't want to feel sorry for myself I hate it. But surely people would care enough to even use Dr Google to see what it is that I'm about to commit to, what's going to happen/what could happen. Selfish moments I have.
This is my last week of my strange "normal" before the Gersons journey begins. The last week I can sleep later than 6am, the last week of not making, drinking and washing up 13 juices a day. The big journey can start anytime from next weekend, just waiting on some supplements for the USA and their dosages to be worked out and then there are no excuses!! Still haven't organised a fridge, though that is easy. Hopefully I am sorting of the mental side of it all, though some days I need to remember I only NEED me to be committed for this journey to work, I need to stop expecting others to hold my hand.
So in a week or so my life of rising at 6am to start enemas and juicing, with the timetable ending at 10pm, will commence. I am shitty myself I think you could say, every emotion just rolled up into one! I'm anxious, excited, nervous, scared, overwhelmed. Plus today I am angry, I am angry that certain people just make things harder for no reason.
So my shitty skin (I know everyone cares, not) slowly clearly up apparently. Getting witch hazel and stuff rubbed over it each night so hopefully it keeps on clearing.
Steroid situation; YAY finished them yesterday, so hopefully I start sleeping MORE (for now) and eating LESS. But seeing as my strange diet is about to be limited more I may spend the week eating berries and pineapple and lentils (about to be CUT on gersons)
So this weeks mission is to find which Himalayan salt lamp I am going to buy, been wanting one for ages but I am a tight arse even though are aren't expensive!! These lamps are not only pretty they are excellent air purifiers! Getting rid of dust, mould, dust mites, and neutralising positive ions in the air produced by TV's, radios, computers, microwaves etc. High concentrations of negative ions (produced by the salt lamps) are required for high energy levels and positive moods, so I'm going to FILL the house and I will be an annoying hyperactive positive vegan ray of sunshine! Right?
Don't be nasty to someone who prepares your food
So this week I am dragged back into the oncologists office, not by choice! I hate going there, but I need to go as this is the only way I can find out what the neurosurgeons have decided about my last scan. I hate the health system! You can't access your own medical history unless a Dr requests it or you go through the painful "legal" process, maybe it's just me they hate. So to find out whether they want to crack my skull open again I need to see the people who want to sign me up for the trial Chemo drugs. I hate them. They stress me out, upset me and make me doubt my choices. When really I should doubt anything, as what they have offered is nothing. So I am stressed and worried, as I don't want to go through it again. Plus I hazard a guess that it would be worse the second time around, added risks, plus I would know the hell I was going to go through when I woke up. Shitting myself I think the term is. Even though apparently I should not be! Days like today make me wonder......wonder if I can do this. Sometimes it seems like I'm destined to fall on my face, sometimes it feels like I'm a rickety old ship alone in the storm and I wonder why I am trying to do this. I hate that feeling because I don't want to feel sorry for myself I hate it. But surely people would care enough to even use Dr Google to see what it is that I'm about to commit to, what's going to happen/what could happen. Selfish moments I have.
This is my last week of my strange "normal" before the Gersons journey begins. The last week I can sleep later than 6am, the last week of not making, drinking and washing up 13 juices a day. The big journey can start anytime from next weekend, just waiting on some supplements for the USA and their dosages to be worked out and then there are no excuses!! Still haven't organised a fridge, though that is easy. Hopefully I am sorting of the mental side of it all, though some days I need to remember I only NEED me to be committed for this journey to work, I need to stop expecting others to hold my hand.
So in a week or so my life of rising at 6am to start enemas and juicing, with the timetable ending at 10pm, will commence. I am shitty myself I think you could say, every emotion just rolled up into one! I'm anxious, excited, nervous, scared, overwhelmed. Plus today I am angry, I am angry that certain people just make things harder for no reason.
So my shitty skin (I know everyone cares, not) slowly clearly up apparently. Getting witch hazel and stuff rubbed over it each night so hopefully it keeps on clearing.
Steroid situation; YAY finished them yesterday, so hopefully I start sleeping MORE (for now) and eating LESS. But seeing as my strange diet is about to be limited more I may spend the week eating berries and pineapple and lentils (about to be CUT on gersons)
So this weeks mission is to find which Himalayan salt lamp I am going to buy, been wanting one for ages but I am a tight arse even though are aren't expensive!! These lamps are not only pretty they are excellent air purifiers! Getting rid of dust, mould, dust mites, and neutralising positive ions in the air produced by TV's, radios, computers, microwaves etc. High concentrations of negative ions (produced by the salt lamps) are required for high energy levels and positive moods, so I'm going to FILL the house and I will be an annoying hyperactive positive vegan ray of sunshine! Right?
Don't be nasty to someone who prepares your food
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